Here it is, concisely and clearly laid out for you. The answers to one of the questions that I get asked most often by coaching clients: “How do I know if I’m ready to venture out into the dating world?” Spoiler: My answers are not what you would expect to hear, but they will likely shift your perspective!
Walk away from this episode with tried and true actionable steps to begin your breakthrough – no matter what stage of turmoil you are in right now. I’ll share about my own journey from weak to strong to help get you started, and we’ll get to know each other a bit better!
“I thought it was just me” is a familiar phrase of many of my divorce coaching clients, until I assure them that their thoughts and feelings regarding separation and divorce are completely normal. The look of relief and encouragement on their faces is part of why I love what I do so much. During our one to one sessions, as clients explore their pain, disappointment, frustration, anger, sadness, relief, fear, and ambivalence, they begin to feel validated by the fact that their emotions are extremely common and completely understandable.
This phenomenon contributes to my clarity around the importance of these individuals connecting with each other for support, understanding, and to deepen their feelings of validation; and that is precisely what so many have asked for over the years. Clients have requested groups where they can feel safe to discuss what they are going through with others who are experiencing similar divorce related challenges and emotions.
The Family Law and Divorce Firm of Wisselman and Associates understands that exact need within people who are experiencing this life transition. That is why they have collaborated with me and generously offered space in their beautiful Great Neck, New York conference room to host these much needed groups. They are concerned about the needs of people during this painful time, before during and beyond the crucial legal aspect of the process which they so expertly and comprehensively provide.
We have developed four monthly groups to suit various needs of individuals during this transition and there is no fee to attend. I will be facilitating these empowerment groups using a positive coaching focus along with strategies to help you successfully navigate this transition and create the new life that you desire. There will be a different divorce related topic discussed each month along with open discussion, questions, and answers.
These groups are for you if you are:
- Contemplating divorce or your spouse is considering it
- You are headed for divorce and you’re not sure how and where to begin
- You are in any stage of separation or divorce
Choose from the following groups:
- Separation and Divorce Discussion
- Women’s Divorce: Moving Forward
- Divorcing Dads Discussion
- Divorce Over 50 Discussion
Feel free to reach out with questions: email@example.com
The fairy in the children’s video flew around gracefully sprinkling her fairy dust and proclaiming in a British accent, “If you sput it, you’ve gut it!” In this video created by the Kabbalah Centre’s Spirituality for Kids, the fairy was pointing out the following to the children: When you notice something that you don’t like about someone else, the reason that you are noticing it may be because you have that same trait somewhere within yourself. So, for example, if the child is yelling at another for not sharing, it might really be about that child himself not wanting to share. Or, if a child makes fun of another for being funny looking, that child himself is probably worried about the way he looks.
This elegantly simple way of explaining the concept to children resonated with me in a powerful way. It occurred to me that this phenomenon is exactly what is getting in the way for so many of my dating coaching clients. During our one to one sessions as well as at my workshops, I hear many singles “sputting” various flaws in potential partners. For example, “I can see that he is really a commitment phobe.” If the woman who is pointing that out really reflects honestly about what is going on for her, it is possible that she is actually feeling quite ambivalent about committing and is uncomfortable dealing with those feelings. So, it is much easier to spot it out in her potential partner and blame it on his “flaw”.
Furthermore, let’s be aware that when we are looking within ourselves for the trait that we spotted in another, it may not be packaged in the identical way that we saw it in someone else. In the example of the “commitment phobe,” another possibility is that the woman is not actually ambivalent about committing to a partner, but she is “phobic” about committing in other aspects of her life such as career, parenting, or finances and that is why she spotted it within him. The trait within ourselves that we are spotting in others may be camouflaged and may require searching to uncover it inside.
The more emotionally reactive we are when we spot the “flaw” in a potential partner, a significant other, or anyone else, the greater indication it is that we might fear having some form of that trait within ourselves. For example, if we find ourselves extremely annoyed by someone who is trying to capture a lot of attention, that strong reaction we are having often relates to the part of us that is craving more attention or is frustrated with the lack of it that we experience. So, a signal to ourselves that we are experiencing the “If You Spot it, You’ve Got it” phenomenon is that we are not just objectively observing the trait in another person, we are feeling an emotional reaction to what we are noticing.
What if we could use this fairy’s lesson to become more honestly self-reflective? What impact might that have on our love lives or potential love lives? If each time we “sputted” a “flaw” in others, we asked ourselves what aspect of that trait we have within ourselves, and furthermore, what can we do to create positive change and transform our own trait, how much more love and connection would flow between people?
So here’s my challenge for you this week, each time you spot it, ask yourself, “how have I got it?” I’d love to hear what you all discover…I’ll be challenging myself to do the same…
What’s been keeping you hiding in your cave this past year? What have you been protecting yourself from? More importantly, how well is this type of hibernation serving you? Many of my coaching clients started out clinging to the safety of their caves and so did I. We also tend to find new caves to hide in as we continue on our respective journeys.
Whether you’re hiding from the hurtful issues in your current relationship, the risk of rejection in a new relationship, or any other fears of disappointment, failure, or shame in the various aspects of your life, there is definitely a way to venture out of your cave. You have choices and options. You have the power to venture into the light. Let’s create a step by step plan that feels doable and let’s implement it in 2018.
Nothing gets built without a dream and a vision. So let’s first ask ourselves what we ideally want that aspect of our lives to look like that we’ve previously been hiding from; whether it’s a current relationship, a future one, or any other area that we have been protecting ourselves from. Let’s give ourselves permission to fully envision that ideal.
Now, keeping that dream and vision in mind, let’s ask ourselves the following question. “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?” Let your answer wash over you. Maybe the answer is, “I’d have that first difficult conversation to begin to shift my current relationship closer to my dream and vision.” Perhaps it’s, “I’d begin (or re-start) internet dating and put myself out there to find love.” The possibilities in each area are limitless.
Each answer to “what you would do if you were not afraid” can be broken down into tiny baby steps, with each small success leading to the next one, until you have faced your fear and have left your cave behind in favor of the warm sunshine. Reach out for whatever support you need to make it happen, just venture out of that cave for 2018; fear will only magnify in the darkness. Squint if you must and shield your eyes with your hands, but takes those steps out of your cave, put one foot in front of the other, and begin to create the life that you desire.
In this article, I was interviewed by Divorce Attorney and Mediator, Deborah Kaminetsky on the role of a Life Coach in the divorce process. Check out what I shared that you might not have thought about before…
In this article, I was asked to share my opinion on various ways that people have coped with a “broken heart.” What have you found to be most effective? How would you empower yourself and others to heal?
Click here for a variety of strategies along with my comments: http://www.thelist.com/46351/biggest-cures-broken-heart/
A wide range of decisions in all aspects of life are often discussed by clients during our coaching sessions. Whether the decision is relationship based or career based, there is a common theme at the “heart of the matter.” What is driving your decision? If you are being honest with yourself, is the answer to my question – FEAR? If fear is the governing force, think back to an important decision that you made in the past and ask yourself how important the fear factor was in what you decided. How satisfied were you with how that decision played out? What other examples of fear based decisions can you think of in your life?
When I think back on my own fear based decisions as well as those of many of my coaching clients, I know that we do not relate to those decisions as being among our best. Some examples are: Staying in a damaging relationship out of fear of being alone, staying in a hated job out of fear of the job hunting process, not going for a promotion out of fear of rejection, not asking an important question out of fear of the answer, chasing a love interest too much out of fear of losing him/her, not dating at all out of fear of rejection, and the list goes on infinitely.
So, this Valentine’s Day, how can we honor our hearts and use the powerful intuition that resides within each of us to lead us into decisions that are based in strength, authenticity, wisdom, and love? Let’s begin with these steps regarding a current decision that we are pondering:
• Close your eyes for a moment and tune into your truth. What is driving your decision?
• If the answer is fear, ask the fearful part of you to honestly tell you what it is really afraid of and truly listen for the answer.
• Allow yourself to picture your worst case scenario, play it out briefly in your mind, and ask yourself how you would cope.
• Think of another time in your life when you overcame your fear and made a decision that really worked for you.
• Ask yourself what strengths of character, talents, traits, and skills you relied on to make that decision work for you despite the fear.
• What are the parallels between the two situations and how can you apply those strengths to your current decision? Be specific in your answer and let it guide you to create a possible plan.
• Finally, with your eyes closed, ask yourself this very powerful question: What would you do if you weren’t afraid? Let the answer wash over you and allow it to guide your next steps.
Honor your heart this Valentine’s Day and base your decisions on strength, authenticity, wisdom and love. Try out this system of relating to your fears today and see where it leads you.
Working through your fear regarding an important decision? Contact Coach Heidi at www.reinventionlifecoaching.com to create your personalized plan towards a decision that is based on strength, authenticity, wisdom, and love.