Heidi Krantz - Professional Life Coach and Speaker

Reinvention Life Coaching

Building Confidence

Dating Lessons from Costa Rica

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It hit me as I watched the freshly hatched Black Turtles find their way down the beach to the ocean. These creatures are unambivalent about following their instincts. When the naturalist set them free, just hours old, they did exactly what they needed to do to continue their lives the way they were meant to.

As I stood there in awe, I asked the expert, “How do they know where the ocean is?” He smiled, put his hand up to his ear and answered simply, “They listen for the water.” His words stuck with me.

I thought of all the times that I emphatically point out to clients and workshop participants that their new potential partner is telling them everything they need to know about him/herself, very early on. All they need to do is to want to hear it and to listen carefully. The next step is to get in touch with their inner wisdom and follow its guidance in order to make the right choice about proceeding or retreating from the possible relationship. This process can actually be accomplished in a very matter-of-fact way, just like the method of the Black Turtles of Costa Rica.

These turtles did not hesitate. They heard the water immediately and followed the sound to the ocean. Not one of the fifty babies ever looked back or tried to go in the opposite direction.

So, poke your head out of your protective shell, open your ears immediately and listen to what your potential partner is telling you about him/herself, NOT what you would like them to be telling you. Then, follow your inner wisdom exactly where it is guiding you. If the turtles of Costa Rica can do it, so can you. Love is waiting…

Divorce and “Hurricane Sandy”

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As I sat on the couch reading while the storm progressed, I was taken back to another turbulent and uncertain time in my life which felt somehow similar; my divorce. As I encouraged myself to remain calm in the face of the storm, the fierce sound of the wind and the rain rattling my home, shook my confidence as well. The analogy became crystal clear, because it elicited the same vaguely panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach.

In preparation for “Sandy,” much like my divorce, I had done what I could do to be ready. I had procured my flashlights, candles, and nonperishable foods. I had filled up large pots and my bathtub with water. I had cancelled all appointments to stay safe indoors.  But still, the anxiety and uncertainty crept into my being when I felt my vulnerability inside of the old, original French doors of my home.

I had done what I could to prepare for my divorce as well. I had followed my attorney’s instructions down to the last paperwork detail. I had consulted with a financial professional. I had disposed of photos and items that would potentially disturb my “moving on” process. But still, the anxiety and uncertainty crept into my being when I felt my vulnerability in an unknown life, different than I had ever expected or anticipated.

So, if you’re out there weathering the storm or coping with divorce, know that you’re not alone and that your feelings are perfectly normal and understandable. Even as you feel the anxiety, try to see the opportunity in the face of challenge. For me, during the storm, I took the opportunity to connect with loved ones, check on them, and let them know that I care. I prepared a hot breakfast for my family and ate it leisurely. I got to catch up on all the episodes of Homeland, finally bringing me up to date!

Similarly, but much more profoundly, through the challenge of my divorce, I deepened my relationship with my children, launched a brand new career which I love as a Professional Life Coach, and developed a new intimate relationship which ultimately led me to marry my true soulmate and love of my life.

In both situations, I seized the opportunity to connect spiritually, and to pray with improved consciousness.

I’m sure that I won’t be as chipper if we lose power, but I will try to tap into my inner reserves of strength and search carefully for the opportunity within the challenge. I hope you will too.

Addendum: We did lose power, and it did take my “chipperness” down a notch (or two), but opportunity seized as promised: Great neighborhood sushi place was open with huge TVs – totally awesome! Got home to find power restored and reached out to those in need to come on over – better than awesome; priceless!

How to Get Infected With the “E” Factor for Dating

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During my workshops and seminars, as well as with my individual clients, we talk a lot about projecting confidence and positivity in order to enhance dating success. These qualities are enormously important in drawing potential partners to us. But there’s another crucial ingredient in attracting dates and holding their interest through that first awkward phone call in order to move forward to the first meeting and beyond. That is the “E” Factor – Enthusiasm!

I leave you with these words in order to improve your statistics in moving from the phone call to the date and beyond: Muster up some enthusiasm! If you are not naturally enthusiastic, find whatever topic brings it out in you. For example, if you love to travel, talk animatedly about your favorite trip that you ever took. But more importantly, ask enthusiastic questions about your date’s travel experience, and respond even more enthusiastically. Don’t make it fake; just gear the conversation to the topic that authentically infects you with the “E” Factor.

To know if you’ve been infected, listen to the quality and volume of your voice. Is it even and monotone? Then it hasn’t yet happened for you. Your voice should be fluctuating and at times, becoming a bit louder, with more expression and excitement. Your smile should be evident regularly and your laughter bubbling up easily and naturally. If all that is happening, keep it going. You are likely to infect even the most boring of dates with your contagious enthusiasm. This will leave him/her wanting more and moving along to the date and beyond. It’s an irresistible factor and you can easily project it – today!

Courage? The Second Time Around

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The courage of my clients and workshop participants inspires me so profoundly, that each day, I renew and strengthen my belief that we can do whatever we set our minds to. Individuals whose marriages have ended after 20, 30, and even 40 years turn to coaching because they know that with the extra push and support, they can search for love, intimacy, and companionship again. Whether it was their choice or not to leave the marriage, they are often feeling as though they have been beaten up emotionally; they have suffered feelings of rejection, anger, confusion, fear, and despair. Through it all, as they work tenaciously to heal, they venture bravely out of their comfort zones and into the unknown world of internet dating.

During and post-divorce, gutsy women put on their high heels, even if they can hardly walk in them, get their hair done to perfection, dress in their most flattering outfits, and smile for the camera. To complete their project, they overcome their anxiety and nervousness at any age and face what is most difficult for many of us: Articulating our strengths. There is no way around that when we write a narrative for an internet dating site. It is the advertisement of who we are. The process of expressing what it is that sets us apart from all others is in itself transformative, before we even post it on our profiles.

Being terrified of rejection does not stand in their way; it is a human condition that they work to get past. They know that they will have to develop a tough skin for the lumps and bumps of the dating world.  They don’t yet know exactly how absolutely fabulous they are, they are just embarking on a journey to find out. Their courage, spunk, determination, resilience and spectacular qualities are already crystal clear to me. With butterflies in their stomachs, and a little wobble on their heels, they move forward cautiously, with hope and courage in their beautiful hearts.

The Parts Of Us That Hold Us Back From…

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Inspired by an incredible recent conference that I attended, “The Internal Family Systems Model,” I’ve been thinking a lot about the parts of each of us that holds us back from whatever it is we really want to achieve. If we allow ourselves to get to know these parts, as the model suggests, in a curious and compassionate way, we may just find our ticket out of the swamp and onto the fast lane of the highway toward our goals.

So, how do we get to know our “parts” and has this Life Coach gone completely mad? The first answer is actually quite simple, and then, you can assess the second one. Here’s the step by step breakdown, when you have privacy and are in a comfortable and private environment:

1. Identify a goal you would like to achieve but are feeling held back from. For example, beginning internet dating.

2. Ask yourself, “What is the part of me that is holding me back?” For example, “My shy part is holding me back.”

3. Begin opening your heart to that part, in this example, your shy part, and get curious about it.

4. Ask the shy part (or whatever part you’re working with) open ended questions as if it were a friend that you were helping with an issue. Examples of questions would be: What is your job? Why do you feel you need to do that job? What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do that job? What do you (my part) need from me? Continue with any other questions that feel right to you. Take your time.

5. Treat whatever answers come up compassionately, without judgment, the way you would treat a vulnerable friend during discussion of his/her issue.

6. Be prepared to discover some surprising and insightful answers from your part. An example of an answer from a shy part might be, “If I didn’t do my job of protecting you, you might face rejection the way you did as a teenager.” Reassure your part that you hear and understand what it’s about.

I hope that you access the courage to take a leap of faith and try this “Internal Family Systems” exercise. If you feel comfortable sharing, I would love to hear from you regarding what you discover as you get to know your parts.

Blogger’s Website: www.reinventionlifecoaching.com one to one coaching, groups, and workshops.

Internal Family Systems Website: www.selfleadership.org

5 Empowering Reflections During Divorce

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1. Although it may not be easy to envision, the challenge of divorce can be accompanied by significant opportunity that would not have otherwise presented itself. Identify one goal that you can accomplish now, that you could not have achieved during your marriage.

2. Divorce can often cause our confidence and self-esteem to waver. Recognizing your positive traits is essential at this time.  Identify one of these special personality or character traits that can show itself more clearly now than previously.

3. When we are involved in a difficult life transition, we tend to focus inward. Going beyond ourselves is an effective way to find meaning and put our issues into perspective. Identify one new strategy to contribute in some small way towards helping others or impacting the world.

4. When you want to see changes in your life, reaching out for support is an important part of the process. Identify three professionals, friends, or family members who can fill this role.

5. Developing a positive vision for yourself can be enormously empowering and can help you stay focused and goal oriented. Create this future image. How do you want to see yourself in five years?  Let this vision guide you.