Heidi Krantz - Professional Life Coach and Speaker

Reinvention Life Coaching

Communication

 “The Talk” or Not?

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During my Fox 5 interview on dating and relationships, when Liz Dahlem asked me directly on camera, “Do you HAVE to have the talk?” many of my clients’ experiences flashed before me to help me with my answer.  During coaching sessions, this hot topic has been discussed repeatedly. “If we’ve been dating for a while, can’t I just assume that we are exclusive? We talk or text often, we go out almost every Saturday night, so that means it’s just the two of us, right?” Well, let’s explore that further…

If you are both at a point in your relationship that you are ready to be exclusive, what’s holding you back from having “the talk” to clearly define the commitment? How sure are you that you are ready to close off other possibilities? How confident are you that if you bring up exclusivity that he/she will be on the same page? If you are not feeling reasonably sure that he/she is up for the commitment, what would provide you with the perception that he/she is voluntarily exclusive without a conversation? Many clients have been disappointed to learn that while they were assuming exclusivity minus “the talk,” their partner had been engaging in other opportunities and may not have been viewing that exploration as cheating in any way.

Instead of dreading “the talk,” let’s celebrate it as a great tool to gage our true feelings as well as an opportunity to potentially start out a long term relationship with healthy communication. If we are hesitant about initiating “the talk” let’s gain clarity around the reason. If we feel ready for the talk, let’s have the courage to put it out there and find out undoubtedly what our agreed upon commitment level is.

In a nutshell, if “the talk” is not taking place, one or both of us has a reason that we are not articulating our level of commitment out loud to each other. If we are not ready to do so, we are not likely ready to be monogamous. So, let’s continue to evaluate the connection for a while longer, without any assumptions, until we feel better prepared for the all-important conversation. Yes ladies and gentlemen, in order to be absolutely sure that you are in an exclusive relationship, you really do HAVE to have “the talk.”

Getting Comfortable Not Knowing

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While engaged in conversation, we appropriately ask questions, and then we listen to the answers. The key issue is, when we listen, do we already have a predetermined hypothesis as to what the answer will be? Have we already formulated a guess, an assumption, or a judgement as to the reply that will come our way? As a result, have we prematurely tuned out of the listening process?

One of the most powerful lessons that experience has taught me in coaching my clients is that when I ask questions, I strive to consciously clear my mind of any expectation about what the answer might be. I have learned repeatedly, that in doing so, I consistently hear answers that I would not have imagined on my own. If I had predicted the answers, I would have clouded my understanding of what the client was trying to explain. As a result of my expectations not being injected, clients express themselves more freely, accurately, and effectively and this type of communication is extremely empowering to them.

The same is true in all of our day to day conversations, professionally and personally. Whether we are conversing with a brand new acquaintance or a long term friend, when we give the gift of that open space for listening to whatever the answer may be, we in turn give ourselves the gift of learning more than we ever could have if we had allowed our own expectations and forecasts to cloud the process.

If you  try consciously injecting this method into your discussions, you are likely to find more engaged clients, more interested social contacts, and much newer, fresher, and richer information than would have been possible before. So begin learning and mastering this technique today, and watch your rapport and connection deepen and expand in a satisfying and transformative way.

Contact Heidi at Reinvention Life Coaching for one to one coaching to expand upon this and other communication skills or for a customized presentation for your group, board, or organization.

Are They Feeling “Emotionally Heard?”

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What is actually going on when your clients, co-workers, or family members keep repeating the details about how they have been wronged by someone else? One strong possibility is that they are not feeling “emotionally heard” by you. Therefore, your advice, your solution to the problem, your legal instructions, or your financial guidelines cannot be received and integrated. Their immediate need is not being addressed, so they are unable to shift into taking proactive steps forward.

You can facilitate that shift within just a few moments of time. In your own style, give them the message that you “get” how they are feeling. It can sound like this: “I’m hearing that you are feeling very hurt, disappointed and frustrated.” Or, “It sounds like you are feeling extremely angry and betrayed.” You want to say this using eye contact and a respectful and compassionate tone in your voice, giving your complete attention to the person for those few moments. You might continue to say, “Given what you have experienced, it is very understandable that you would be feeling that way.”

You have now identified and named the emotions that the person is feeling and you have validated that those feelings can be expected given the situation. That does not mean that you necessarily agree with the person’s assessment or behavior. It just conveys that you “get” how they are feeling, given their perception.

Try out the above beginning step towards making others feel emotionally heard. You may be surprised by their relieved reaction, their appreciation, and by their ability to listen to the content that you begin to bring across after that interaction. At this point, they may even be ready to integrate challenging points of view that they were unable to hear previously. Often, when we are feeling rushed, we want to get right to the content or instructions that we need to communicate. The extra few moments to help someone feel “emotionally heard” first, can actually save you hours of breaking through his/her resistance.

So, next time your client or friend keeps ruminating about his/her situation, instead of feeling annoyed and perhaps even hopeless, help him or her shift into a more proactive place by listening in this way. The results are often striking.

Join Professional Life Coach, Heidi Krantz, OTR, CPC at the Divorce Catalyst Conference where she will present additional communication strategies for divorce professionals at her workshop session: “Communication Strategies That Work.” www.DivorceCatalystConference.com

Or click here to schedule Heidi as a speaker for your group or practice: https://reinventionlifecoaching.com/schedule-heidi-as-a-speaker/

What’s the Impact of Your Smile?

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When we are waiting in line at the supermarket checkout counter and we see an adorable toddler in a stroller, what do we instinctively do? We smile at the little guy or gal, right? Why? Well, it just happens naturally. What usually occurs next? Our smile becomes an invitation for interaction, and the toddler is now smiling back, holding up his warn out teddy bear for us to admire, and showing off the box of animal crackers that he wangled from his parent. He is beaming right back at us, and we are having such an enjoyable interaction, that we almost forget to put our groceries up on the counter.

Don’t we wish it could be that easy to smile and interact with an adorable adult on the checkout line? Well, actually, it can be. Our smile is simply an invitation for interaction, nothing more. Why do we hesitate to use it? Some of my coaching clients and workshop participants seem to feel that smiling at someone they don’t know is too forward, it makes them uncomfortable, and so it is not in their repertoire whether they are in the supermarket or at a Singles’ Event.

Let’s learn to define a smile differently. A natural smile is not a commitment of any kind, nor is it a declaration of love. It can be offered with no further obligation attached. Yet, it has the enormous power to connect us to others wordlessly. So, let’s make a conscious effort to share our smiles more freely and easily. Just like with the toddler, an interesting and attractive adult will probably return the smile and find a way to further the interaction, showing you the magazine in his hand instead of the ratty teddy bear or the newest organic snack in her cart instead of the animal crackers. You may find yourself so absorbed, that you forget to put your groceries up on the check-out counter. Let me know how it goes…

Who am I?

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I was confronted head on with this question, during the months that I developed my new website for Reinvention Life Coaching. There are so many aspects and facets to what I do and who I work with, that it felt daunting to express it all in an accurate and clear manner. Yes, my graphic designer was an expert at his job, but it was up to me, not him, to figure out the exact answer to the question, “Who am I?”

During the weeks and months leading up to my website launch, I grappled with that question every day and often as I tossed and turned at night. I carefully analyzed who I help, how I help them, why my help is effective, and what my positive traits are that successfully drive this entire process. Eventually, I reached a deep clarity that I think has tremendous relevance to my clients. The act of naming my strengths, talents, and what I have to offer the world was in itself, a profound confidence building experience for me.

Naming these positives in my mind was an effective start, but actually writing them in the form of website content that could be absorbed and integrated by the reader, took me to another level of celebrating who I am. Expressing my strengths out loud on video was a further step in solidifying what I know to be true about myself. Now, posting the new site and sharing it with my clients, workshop participants, and the world, is my most dramatic step in saying, “Hey everyone, this is me, this is the company that I have built, I’m so proud of it, and I’m thrilled to share it with you!”

I am profoundly grateful to have been imbued with the traits that I identified during this quest, including the ability to encourage, to connect in an authentic way, to build trust, and to break down any goal into achievable steps. I know that it is my duty and purpose to cultivate and utilize these traits, as they are unique gifts that were given to me, just as some fortunate people have received the gift of musical talent and it is theirs to develop and share with the world to enhance others’ lives.

My website experience totally validated what I’ve been doing with my clients and workshop participants for years. Coaching is a journey of self-discovery and self-esteem building which involves asking the questions that I posed to myself about who I am as well as formulating written lists and learning to articulate our strengths and positive traits. When indicated during coaching, this journey also involves creating an internet dating profile or a social media description which defines our positives and shares them with the world, much as my website does. The process of discovering our gifts is in a sense more important to our confidence than the gifts themselves. This process is always what I strongly believed would empower my clients. Now I have experienced a new journey for myself, so I can fully join you on yours at an even deeper level, and completely share in the excitement of answering the question, “Who am I?”

Divorce and Gratitude

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How do I dare put those two words in the same title? I dare because they belong together. How so? Divorce can often bring with it enormous pain, difficulty, fear, uncertainty, anger, and sadness. No matter how difficult your process is, or has been, I challenge you to discover exactly what you are grateful for. I’ll take this a step further, what is it that you feel grateful for that directly relates to your difficult divorce?

Are you grateful that you discovered a strength and resiliency that you never knew you had before? Is it your independent spirit that has surfaced which you appreciate? Maybe you are thankful that a pressing tension has been lifted, whether you chose to leave the marriage or not. Perhaps you are grateful that whatever held you back from accomplishing your goals in your past relationship has been removed and you are free now to make them happen. Has your divorce opened you up and made you more comfortable asking those close to you for emotional support? Are you beginning new friendships? Can you now relate to your children in a more open and relaxed manner than previously?

There are countless more divorce related reasons to feel gratitude during Thanksgiving and always. It’s up to you to find them. The negatives may jump out first, so dig past them and choose gratitude.  I learned to do it, and I know you can too.

How to Get Infected With the “E” Factor for Dating

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During my workshops and seminars, as well as with my individual clients, we talk a lot about projecting confidence and positivity in order to enhance dating success. These qualities are enormously important in drawing potential partners to us. But there’s another crucial ingredient in attracting dates and holding their interest through that first awkward phone call in order to move forward to the first meeting and beyond. That is the “E” Factor – Enthusiasm!

I leave you with these words in order to improve your statistics in moving from the phone call to the date and beyond: Muster up some enthusiasm! If you are not naturally enthusiastic, find whatever topic brings it out in you. For example, if you love to travel, talk animatedly about your favorite trip that you ever took. But more importantly, ask enthusiastic questions about your date’s travel experience, and respond even more enthusiastically. Don’t make it fake; just gear the conversation to the topic that authentically infects you with the “E” Factor.

To know if you’ve been infected, listen to the quality and volume of your voice. Is it even and monotone? Then it hasn’t yet happened for you. Your voice should be fluctuating and at times, becoming a bit louder, with more expression and excitement. Your smile should be evident regularly and your laughter bubbling up easily and naturally. If all that is happening, keep it going. You are likely to infect even the most boring of dates with your contagious enthusiasm. This will leave him/her wanting more and moving along to the date and beyond. It’s an irresistible factor and you can easily project it – today!