Do you find yourself replaying the same upsetting thoughts and experiences from your breakup process? We all do. Join Coach Heidi K as she guides you through three key strategies to uplift you and help you to change those thought patterns that are dragging you.
Often the dating landscape looks bleak and it seems that there are no suitable partners out there at all; or at least there are no good ones who are contacting us. Join Coach Heidi K as she guides you through three main sources of the fear of not finding the cool one and how to get freedom from those fears that hold us back from successfully finding love.
Excerpt from full Newsday article:
‘A screening tool’
Heidi Krantz, a certified life and dating coach based in Plainview, also noted the increase and value of video-chat use. “To a certain degree, it’s a screening tool with which you can save yourself from disappointment — and time and energy.” Like Fisher, Krantz predicts live video will endure past the pandemic as a vital step of modern-day wooing. “It has its advantages. It slows down the physical element and allows you time to evaluate if the person has the traits you are looking for in a partner,” she explained. “When there is a real connection, people will get tested for the virus and isolate in order to see each other. Holding hands, a kiss or putting an arm around one another requires a lot of forethought.”
The top traits valued in a partner, it turns out, are the same for both older and younger people looking for love. According to Fisher, studies reveal that a person who exhibits respect, trust and humor, as well as makes enough money to support themselves and is seen as physically attractive, is considered the ideal sweetheart. “No one wants to be with a lazy, cheap, depressed drama queen,” she said. “It doesn’t change with age.”
Two years into her search for that special someone after the breakup of her 37-year marriage, Pat Castillo of East Islip met her dream guy. “Just when I was ready to give up, in the middle of this pandemic, I found my soul mate who checked off every box and then some,” said Castillo, 67.
A veteran of online and speed dating, singles support groups and matchmakers, she credited her success to doing her “homework” — that is, identifying and sticking to a list of must-haves and deal-breakers in a prospective companion, an exercise Krantz promotes.
Though with the restrictions of social-distancing, putting the lessons Castillo learned into practice was considerably more challenging. Then a “like” she received on Facebook Dating led to a 20-minute text conversation, a phone call, a five-hour in-person talk by the water in Freeport — and a wedding planned for August to Al Perreca, 71, of Farmingdale. “It’s never too late to live happily ever after,” she said.
“I see a lot of determination. People are reaching out to break the isolation and loneliness,” said Krantz, who also hosts a dating podcast and television series, and is a regular guest speaker at singles events.
“If you are of like minds, I think you can maneuver [within the restrictions of the pandemic],” said Jackie B., a divorced 64-year-old who preferred not to disclose her last name as it is in her dating profile. “You can walk in a park. The plan doesn’t have to be elaborate. Being with a person is the important thing.”
Jackie has looked to Krantz for occasional advice since she saw her at a pre-pandemic speaking engagement at a Long Island restaurant, the location of one of many workshops and activities Jackie has gone to arranged by 7 in Heaven Singles Events (7 for the number of minutes per “date” at its events) across Nassau and Suffolk counties.
Gail Adams, who started 7 in Heaven in 2008 (and met her second husband seven years in, ironically, at one of its outings), noted the comfort many over-50 singles feel attending group events. “We are more vulnerable,” explained Adams. “A lot of us have been married many years, and this is all new territory.”
Read Full Article: Finding love over 50 during the pandemic
In this article, I was asked to share my perspective on dealing with disappointment in a relationship. Scroll down to see what I shared, you may be surprised. What are your ideas for coping with that kind of disappointment?
Click here for a variety of strategies along with my comments:
The fairy in the children’s video flew around gracefully sprinkling her fairy dust and proclaiming in a British accent, “If you sput it, you’ve gut it!” In this video created by the Kabbalah Centre’s Spirituality for Kids, the fairy was pointing out the following to the children: When you notice something that you don’t like about someone else, the reason that you are noticing it may be because you have that same trait somewhere within yourself. So, for example, if the child is yelling at another for not sharing, it might really be about that child himself not wanting to share. Or, if a child makes fun of another for being funny looking, that child himself is probably worried about the way he looks.
This elegantly simple way of explaining the concept to children resonated with me in a powerful way. It occurred to me that this phenomenon is exactly what is getting in the way for so many of my dating coaching clients. During our one to one sessions as well as at my workshops, I hear many singles “sputting” various flaws in potential partners. For example, “I can see that he is really a commitment phobe.” If the woman who is pointing that out really reflects honestly about what is going on for her, it is possible that she is actually feeling quite ambivalent about committing and is uncomfortable dealing with those feelings. So, it is much easier to spot it out in her potential partner and blame it on his “flaw”.
Furthermore, let’s be aware that when we are looking within ourselves for the trait that we spotted in another, it may not be packaged in the identical way that we saw it in someone else. In the example of the “commitment phobe,” another possibility is that the woman is not actually ambivalent about committing to a partner, but she is “phobic” about committing in other aspects of her life such as career, parenting, or finances and that is why she spotted it within him. The trait within ourselves that we are spotting in others may be camouflaged and may require searching to uncover it inside.
The more emotionally reactive we are when we spot the “flaw” in a potential partner, a significant other, or anyone else, the greater indication it is that we might fear having some form of that trait within ourselves. For example, if we find ourselves extremely annoyed by someone who is trying to capture a lot of attention, that strong reaction we are having often relates to the part of us that is craving more attention or is frustrated with the lack of it that we experience. So, a signal to ourselves that we are experiencing the “If You Spot it, You’ve Got it” phenomenon is that we are not just objectively observing the trait in another person, we are feeling an emotional reaction to what we are noticing.
What if we could use this fairy’s lesson to become more honestly self-reflective? What impact might that have on our love lives or potential love lives? If each time we “sputted” a “flaw” in others, we asked ourselves what aspect of that trait we have within ourselves, and furthermore, what can we do to create positive change and transform our own trait, how much more love and connection would flow between people?
So here’s my challenge for you this week, each time you spot it, ask yourself, “how have I got it?” I’d love to hear what you all discover…I’ll be challenging myself to do the same…
I am asked for an exact formula and recipe for dating success by many individual coaching clients, workshop participants, and media interviewers. Although I have powerful guidelines to share that have helped many bring the love into their lives that they desire, I must first answer your question with a question. How happy are you with your current situation? If your answer is a very positive one, then you’ve got this, rinse and repeat. If your answer reflects that you are seeking different results, then let’s keep this in mind for starters: “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re gonna get what you’ve always gotten.” So, we need to change how we’ve been approaching our love life if we want to generate more desirable effects.
Now that we’re clear about the desire to change things up by transforming what we have done before, we can move on to determining the specifics. Here’s the bottom line, each of us needs to figure out what it is that we need to work on, ie what patterns, default behaviors, thoughts, and energy we need to transform. For example, I am often asked by women, “Should I text the guy after the date or wait for him to contact me?” The response to this question requires introspection on your part. If your pattern is typically to text immediately with effusive thank yous and compliments, then your work might be to hold off until the next day or until he contacts you. In this way, you are working to transform the energy that you are conveying, which is often more important than the exact timing of the text. So now your energy is becoming more confident and independent as opposed to overeager. If your pattern is to be “stand-offish” and the guy may not know that you’re interested, then your work might be to send a quick text that reflects some warmth. Now your energy is becoming more open to connection and intimacy rather than disinterest.
So, secret revealed. There is a completely different recipe for how each of us can improve our dating success. We need to tune into our inner wisdom, be honest with ourselves and identify those patterns. When we are each conscious of the individual personal growth that is required for our unique journey, we can change what we’ve always done, so we don’t get what we’ve always gotten, when what we really want is a completely different result. What step will you take towards transforming your patterns today?
Contact Coach Heidi at https://reinventionlifecoaching.com/ for a complimentary consultation to begin creating an individualized plan to transform your specific patterns that are getting in the way of the love that you desire in your life.
Why do we dip our big toe in the cold pool and then quickly withdraw our foot, taking a few steps back? Why do we repeat the same strange dance a few moments later? Will that method really get us used to the water so that we can swim, enjoy, and feel refreshed? Can we ever create a real splash using this “dip the toe” method? More importantly, how familiar does this pattern feel to you and where else is it showing up in your life?
Many of my dating coaching clients and workshop participants are dipping only their big toe into the pool of dating. Why? One of many possible answers is that if they are putting forth minimal effort, they will feel less rejected if the overture is not reciprocated. After all, they are not really trying, are they?
What does this look like practically? It looks like an internet dating profile that is incomplete, without photos that maximize the person’s attractiveness and without an appealing and accurate description of who the person is. It looks like a dating site member who is not initiating any emails, but rather waiting endlessly for the “right person” to express interest. It looks like someone at a singles event checking his/her phone incessantly and not really participating in the activities.
Do you want to experience dating success? Of course, we all do! Well then, it’s time to begin questioning your method and challenging yourself to modify it despite the hesitant parts of you that urge you to hang back. What would it be like for you to takes steps forward to fully get into the water? Clearly envision yourself making it happen. First, get your feet wet, then immerse yourself one segment at a time, get used to the cold water for a while, and finally start swimming. It’s time to get playful and create a splash! If you don’t generate a dating opportunity, at least you will enjoy a refreshing swim, and you won’t be so afraid of the cold next time. After all, next time may present the opportunity to swim with someone really special who you would never have gotten close to with only your big toe fleetingly touching the shallow end of the pool.