“The Talk” or Not?
During my Fox 5 interview on dating and relationships, when Liz Dahlem asked me directly on camera, “Do you HAVE to have the talk?” many of my clients’ experiences flashed before me to help me with my answer. During coaching sessions, this hot topic has been discussed repeatedly. “If we’ve been dating for a while, can’t I just assume that we are exclusive? We talk or text often, we go out almost every Saturday night, so that means it’s just the two of us, right?” Well, let’s explore that further…
If you are both at a point in your relationship that you are ready to be exclusive, what’s holding you back from having “the talk” to clearly define the commitment? How sure are you that you are ready to close off other possibilities? How confident are you that if you bring up exclusivity that he/she will be on the same page? If you are not feeling reasonably sure that he/she is up for the commitment, what would provide you with the perception that he/she is voluntarily exclusive without a conversation? Many clients have been disappointed to learn that while they were assuming exclusivity minus “the talk,” their partner had been engaging in other opportunities and may not have been viewing that exploration as cheating in any way.
Instead of dreading “the talk,” let’s celebrate it as a great tool to gage our true feelings as well as an opportunity to potentially start out a long term relationship with healthy communication. If we are hesitant about initiating “the talk” let’s gain clarity around the reason. If we feel ready for the talk, let’s have the courage to put it out there and find out undoubtedly what our agreed upon commitment level is.
In a nutshell, if “the talk” is not taking place, one or both of us has a reason that we are not articulating our level of commitment out loud to each other. If we are not ready to do so, we are not likely ready to be monogamous. So, let’s continue to evaluate the connection for a while longer, without any assumptions, until we feel better prepared for the all-important conversation. Yes ladies and gentlemen, in order to be absolutely sure that you are in an exclusive relationship, you really do HAVE to have “the talk.”
Are They Feeling “Emotionally Heard?”
What is actually going on when your clients, co-workers, or family members keep repeating the details about how they have been wronged by someone else? One strong possibility is that they are not feeling “emotionally heard” by you. Therefore, your advice, your solution to the problem, your legal instructions, or your financial guidelines cannot be received and integrated. Their immediate need is not being addressed, so they are unable to shift into taking proactive steps forward.
You can facilitate that shift within just a few moments of time. In your own style, give them the message that you “get” how they are feeling. It can sound like this: “I’m hearing that you are feeling very hurt, disappointed and frustrated.” Or, “It sounds like you are feeling extremely angry and betrayed.” You want to say this using eye contact and a respectful and compassionate tone in your voice, giving your complete attention to the person for those few moments. You might continue to say, “Given what you have experienced, it is very understandable that you would be feeling that way.”
You have now identified and named the emotions that the person is feeling and you have validated that those feelings can be expected given the situation. That does not mean that you necessarily agree with the person’s assessment or behavior. It just conveys that you “get” how they are feeling, given their perception.
Try out the above beginning step towards making others feel emotionally heard. You may be surprised by their relieved reaction, their appreciation, and by their ability to listen to the content that you begin to bring across after that interaction. At this point, they may even be ready to integrate challenging points of view that they were unable to hear previously. Often, when we are feeling rushed, we want to get right to the content or instructions that we need to communicate. The extra few moments to help someone feel “emotionally heard” first, can actually save you hours of breaking through his/her resistance.
So, next time your client or friend keeps ruminating about his/her situation, instead of feeling annoyed and perhaps even hopeless, help him or her shift into a more proactive place by listening in this way. The results are often striking.
Join Professional Life Coach, Heidi Krantz, OTR, CPC at the Divorce Catalyst Conference where she will present additional communication strategies for divorce professionals at her workshop session: “Communication Strategies That Work.” www.DivorceCatalystConference.com
Or click here to schedule Heidi as a speaker for your group or practice: https://reinventionlifecoaching.com/schedule-heidi-as-a-speaker/
In Love With Being in Love?
Are you in love with being in love? Well, to some extent, we all are. Being in love is one of the greatest joys of life. Let’s look a little deeper into this question; are you in love with the idea of being in love or do you want to be truly in love with a particular individual who will be your future partner? This is a shift that I work on with many of my coaching clients and workshop participants.
One of the questions that I frequently ask clients is, “What are the traits and values that are most important to you in a potential partner?” We call these your “Must-Have Traits.” Some answers that I often here are variations of: I want someone who will dance with me in the moonlight, who will walk with me on the beach, or who will cuddle with me on the couch. Now, of course, those are all great experiences and again, many of us desire that in our lives. But we want to get to the root of the love and ask ourselves, “Why do I want to dance in the moonlight with this person?” “What are his/her unique qualities and values that cause me to want to express that kind of affection?” Furthermore, “Why does he/she want to dance, walk, and cuddle with me?” “What are my unique characteristics that cause him/her to want to express that kind of affection?”
If we are not clearly in touch with the answers to those questions, then the romance is very likely to fizzle. If what is bonding us together is our love of being in love, then what we want most does not have the foundation to make it last. So, let’s formulate a well thought out vision, and let’s look for a particular person with the values, traits, and qualities that are most important to us. Then, let’s fall in love with a real person who possesses those characteristics, not with an abstract idea. As we slowly cultivate deep love with this person, then the dances and the walks and the cuddling can be authentic and lasting, way beyond the shallow fluff of romance in the media which leads us to be limited by our love of being in love.
Love With A Plan
I’m always amazed by how we meticulously formulate carefully thought-out plans for every aspect of our lives, including our careers, our education, our parenting, and even our vacations. But when it comes to our love lives, an enormously important aspect of our happiness, we approach our search randomly, with no plan at all. As though we are being carried haphazardly by the current of the ocean, we get pulled toward physical attraction, pulled toward availability, pulled toward whoever happens to be pursuing us, or pulled toward any number of other possibilities that involve no forethought. Then, after a while, we come up for air and wonder how we ever landed in this unsatisfying relationship. Well, here’s a compelling answer: We didn’t start out with a well thought-out plan, and that’s exactly what we need to do. Here’s how to begin…
Construct a list of approximately five well thought-out traits that are your “must have” qualities in a partner. This inventory should not be a long laundry list with every possible detail included; just the traits which are “deal breakers” if they are not in place. This is your own personal list of what is truly important to you, not what “should be” important to you. Define each quality very specifically. Try to include enduring character traits that would still be in place 5 or 10 years from now. Write out your list, taking advantage of the power of the written word, and reread it often.
Beginning with the first few sentences of conversation with a potential partner, actively listen for evidence that possibly shows that this person possesses your “must have” traits. Of course, you will need to get to know him/her a lot better to determine for sure; what you are looking to detect now, is the POTENTIAL that the person has the key qualities that you selected. Keep checking back with your list regularly as your interactions progress.
Here’s the kicker: Make a commitment to yourself to be flexible about all other traits that are not on your list. You will definitely find qualities that you are not thrilled about, but you can learn to accept the person as a total package, the same way that you would want to be accepted with all of your wonderful strengths and weaknesses.
Now embrace your clarity, and get out there and use your well thought-out plan to find new love. Instead of wondering later on how you landed in the wrong relationship, you will know exactly how you found the right one: By following your very own blueprint.
For the complete “Plan for Love” Signature System, join Coach Heidi at the Allegria Hotel in Long Beach on July 20, 2015 at 7PM for a COMPLIMENTARY interactive Singles’ Workshop to jumpstart your dating success! Contact Reinvention Life Coaching with questions at coachheidik@gmail.com www.reinventionlifecoaching.com
Dating Success: “YOUR” Truth or “THE” Truth?
We all think we know best about dating related issues, right? It’s Ok to admit that. We’re grown-ups, so we have lots of life experience and we definitely know the drill regarding potential partners. You can’t pull the wool over our eyes, now can you? We know what works and what doesn’t, right? Well, maybe. When is it time to challenge some of those limiting beliefs that we’ve been carrying for years, maybe even for a lifetime, and ask ourselves a powerful question: How possible is it that what I believe to be “MY” truth may not be “THE” actual truth?
So, what are some of your dating related limiting beliefs? There are no good men out there? (Out where? In the state, in the country, in the entire world?) All women are gold diggers? Men don’t want to commit? All women want to control you? The negative list goes on..
How well are those beliefs serving you? When is it time to challenge those limiting beliefs? If you are ready to begin the challenge, how did those beliefs develop? When did those beliefs begin? During childhood, teenagehood, on the rebound after a disappointing relationship? Who’s voice do you hear in those beliefs? Parents, peers, media? What about your voice?
When you begin to challenge those beliefs, you may be surprised about how your behavior changes toward potential partners. Many of my coaching clients find that they become more open to possibilities, more relaxed, more curious, more positive, in a nutshell: more appealing.
So, think about shedding those extra pounds of limiting beliefs that are bogging you down. You just may start noticing the potential in those around you that you may have been rejecting before exploring. They may in turn start noticing how incredibly special you are. If your belief system has not been bringing you the love that you seek, try challenging it with questions, if it doesn’t hold up, it’s not likely “THE” actual truth now, is it?
By Heidi Krantz, OTR, CPC
Sneak Preview: Top Dating Tips at “The Great Love Debate NYC”
There’s a reason that we have “two ears and one mouth,” let’s use them in that ratio on our dates and during our initial interactions which may lead to dates. Nothing will endear you more to a prospective partner than making that person feel truly heard; it’s a powerful rapport builder and a gift. At the same time, you will gather an abundance of valuable information, very early on, about the person who you are conversing with. Of course, you will learn about him/her in a light, curious, and nonjudgmental way, while you are asking open ended questions and carefully listening. You will then leave your conversation with effective tools to help you decide wisely about further interaction.
As you are listening (twice the amount that you are speaking) you will aspire to be what I refer to as a “good quality hunter.” Yes, you put on your hunting gear and train your brain to quickly identify positives in the person you are speaking with. We don’t need any training or coaching to identify the negatives; those easily jump out at us human beings. The more we can focus on the positive qualities, in that person’s character, personality, spirit, or attitude, the better chance we have of truly connecting, embracing opportunities, and bringing the love into our lives that we desire.
These tips have worked successfully for many of my coaching clients and I’ll be sharing many more with you as an expert panelist at “The Great Love Debate NYC” on May 20th. You seriously don’t want to miss this event…
Use my discount code: HEIDI10 to save 25% on tickets
Register Here: https://nyclove.eventbrite.com
What’s the Impact of Your Smile?
When we are waiting in line at the supermarket checkout counter and we see an adorable toddler in a stroller, what do we instinctively do? We smile at the little guy or gal, right? Why? Well, it just happens naturally. What usually occurs next? Our smile becomes an invitation for interaction, and the toddler is now smiling back, holding up his warn out teddy bear for us to admire, and showing off the box of animal crackers that he wangled from his parent. He is beaming right back at us, and we are having such an enjoyable interaction, that we almost forget to put our groceries up on the counter.
Don’t we wish it could be that easy to smile and interact with an adorable adult on the checkout line? Well, actually, it can be. Our smile is simply an invitation for interaction, nothing more. Why do we hesitate to use it? Some of my coaching clients and workshop participants seem to feel that smiling at someone they don’t know is too forward, it makes them uncomfortable, and so it is not in their repertoire whether they are in the supermarket or at a Singles’ Event.
Let’s learn to define a smile differently. A natural smile is not a commitment of any kind, nor is it a declaration of love. It can be offered with no further obligation attached. Yet, it has the enormous power to connect us to others wordlessly. So, let’s make a conscious effort to share our smiles more freely and easily. Just like with the toddler, an interesting and attractive adult will probably return the smile and find a way to further the interaction, showing you the magazine in his hand instead of the ratty teddy bear or the newest organic snack in her cart instead of the animal crackers. You may find yourself so absorbed, that you forget to put your groceries up on the check-out counter. Let me know how it goes…
You’re as Beautiful as You Feel
I’m still exhilarated from experiencing “Beautiful,” the Carole King Musical on Broadway yesterday. The incredible score that magically touched my soul is not the only aspect of the performance which is causing me to feel this way. A powerful factor in my excitement is that her story completely brings to life the exact concept that I encourage my coaching clients with every day.
This show brings us Carole’s answer to the empowering question that I often pose to my clients: “What did you feel held back from in your previous relationship that you can now accomplish?”
The amazing musical genius, Carole King, lacked the confidence to write the lyrics and perform the incredible music she composed during the younger part of her life. She depended upon her husband’s talent for lyrics, was blinded by her love and admiration for him, and didn’t expand her self-confidence.
When Carole went through the painful, disappointing, and frightening demise of her marriage, she was vulnerable and weak, wondering how she could possibly endure personally or professionally. Somehow, she intuitively found her inner wisdom and her courage which led her to compose, write the lyrics, and sing for her platinum Grammy winning album, Tapestry, and to make her mark on the world forever as an iconic female rock star.
What did YOU lack the confidence to accomplish during your previous relationship? If you can identify that significant answer, challenge the beliefs that continue to hold you back, and break out of your comfort zone, you too can reach the stars that you were meant to reach. Your voice can be heard whether you sing or not, your talents can be recognized, and your gifts can be appreciated by all those who you share them with. Use the enormous power you possess to make it happen. Then, much like Carole King, you will create a new life that is truly “Beautiful.” How would that feel?