Your 2017 Dating Success Recipe
I am asked for an exact formula and recipe for dating success by many individual coaching clients, workshop participants, and media interviewers. Although I have powerful guidelines to share that have helped many bring the love into their lives that they desire, I must first answer your question with a question. How happy are you with your current situation? If your answer is a very positive one, then you’ve got this, rinse and repeat. If your answer reflects that you are seeking different results, then let’s keep this in mind for starters: “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re gonna get what you’ve always gotten.” So, we need to change how we’ve been approaching our love life if we want to generate more desirable effects.
Now that we’re clear about the desire to change things up by transforming what we have done before, we can move on to determining the specifics. Here’s the bottom line, each of us needs to figure out what it is that we need to work on, ie what patterns, default behaviors, thoughts, and energy we need to transform. For example, I am often asked by women, “Should I text the guy after the date or wait for him to contact me?” The response to this question requires introspection on your part. If your pattern is typically to text immediately with effusive thank yous and compliments, then your work might be to hold off until the next day or until he contacts you. In this way, you are working to transform the energy that you are conveying, which is often more important than the exact timing of the text. So now your energy is becoming more confident and independent as opposed to overeager. If your pattern is to be “stand-offish” and the guy may not know that you’re interested, then your work might be to send a quick text that reflects some warmth. Now your energy is becoming more open to connection and intimacy rather than disinterest.
So, secret revealed. There is a completely different recipe for how each of us can improve our dating success. We need to tune into our inner wisdom, be honest with ourselves and identify those patterns. When we are each conscious of the individual personal growth that is required for our unique journey, we can change what we’ve always done, so we don’t get what we’ve always gotten, when what we really want is a completely different result. What step will you take towards transforming your patterns today?
Contact Coach Heidi at https://reinventionlifecoaching.com/ for a complimentary consultation to begin creating an individualized plan to transform your specific patterns that are getting in the way of the love that you desire in your life.
Alternate Reality: Trump, Clinton, or Your Ex-Spouse?
As I watched the first presidential debate and the ensuing commentary, I began to analyze the human dynamic unfolding before me. What I saw was an exaggerated, dramatic, extreme example of what is part of our human nature and what I notice in particular with my divorcing clients.
Here it is in a nutshell: We see what we want to see, not necessarily what actually is. Just as we see whichever candidate we support as preforming better and telling the truth, we see our own reality as the accurate one in contrast to whomever we are disagreeing with. The higher the stakes, the more tunnel vision develops. Whether in politics or in a personal feud, our perception is often too black and white and not nuanced as the truth actually is.
In following the post-debate commentary, I noticed that depending upon who is reporting and who is viewing, even seemingly objective measures completely conflict based upon human perception, including fact checks and polls. Similarly, each divorcing client brings forth evidence of his/her perspective which is believed to be compelling and indisputable by that client and his/her supporters.
Let’s take this phenomenon a step further into the post-divorce world of dating and in fact, into the entire sphere of “looking for love.” Here as well, we see what we want to see during our initial dates and not necessarily what in fact exists. For example, when we are in the throes of physical attraction and our own needs and desires, we often dismiss our inner voice in favor of the reality that we wish to create, ultimately leading to disappointment when the truth reveals itself. This phenomenon often brings clients to coaching due to frustration with the dating experience.
So, what can each of us take home from this debate experience and its dramatic expression of human nature? Let’s each make an effort to be more conscious of our tendencies to see what we want to see when we are evaluating politics, relationships, or another person’s perspective. Let’s keep in mind that almost nothing is purely black or white, no matter how clearly we initially see it that way. Let’s check in with ourselves around our own “alternate reality” so that we can make wiser and more insightful choices in all aspects of our lives; political, personal, and professional. If we don’t become more conscious of our human tendencies to see only what we want to see, aren’t we really becoming more like the supporters of whichever presidential candidate we are criticizing?
“The Talk” or Not?
During my Fox 5 interview on dating and relationships, when Liz Dahlem asked me directly on camera, “Do you HAVE to have the talk?” many of my clients’ experiences flashed before me to help me with my answer. During coaching sessions, this hot topic has been discussed repeatedly. “If we’ve been dating for a while, can’t I just assume that we are exclusive? We talk or text often, we go out almost every Saturday night, so that means it’s just the two of us, right?” Well, let’s explore that further…
If you are both at a point in your relationship that you are ready to be exclusive, what’s holding you back from having “the talk” to clearly define the commitment? How sure are you that you are ready to close off other possibilities? How confident are you that if you bring up exclusivity that he/she will be on the same page? If you are not feeling reasonably sure that he/she is up for the commitment, what would provide you with the perception that he/she is voluntarily exclusive without a conversation? Many clients have been disappointed to learn that while they were assuming exclusivity minus “the talk,” their partner had been engaging in other opportunities and may not have been viewing that exploration as cheating in any way.
Instead of dreading “the talk,” let’s celebrate it as a great tool to gage our true feelings as well as an opportunity to potentially start out a long term relationship with healthy communication. If we are hesitant about initiating “the talk” let’s gain clarity around the reason. If we feel ready for the talk, let’s have the courage to put it out there and find out undoubtedly what our agreed upon commitment level is.
In a nutshell, if “the talk” is not taking place, one or both of us has a reason that we are not articulating our level of commitment out loud to each other. If we are not ready to do so, we are not likely ready to be monogamous. So, let’s continue to evaluate the connection for a while longer, without any assumptions, until we feel better prepared for the all-important conversation. Yes ladies and gentlemen, in order to be absolutely sure that you are in an exclusive relationship, you really do HAVE to have “the talk.”
Getting Comfortable Not Knowing
While engaged in conversation, we appropriately ask questions, and then we listen to the answers. The key issue is, when we listen, do we already have a predetermined hypothesis as to what the answer will be? Have we already formulated a guess, an assumption, or a judgement as to the reply that will come our way? As a result, have we prematurely tuned out of the listening process?
One of the most powerful lessons that experience has taught me in coaching my clients is that when I ask questions, I strive to consciously clear my mind of any expectation about what the answer might be. I have learned repeatedly, that in doing so, I consistently hear answers that I would not have imagined on my own. If I had predicted the answers, I would have clouded my understanding of what the client was trying to explain. As a result of my expectations not being injected, clients express themselves more freely, accurately, and effectively and this type of communication is extremely empowering to them.
The same is true in all of our day to day conversations, professionally and personally. Whether we are conversing with a brand new acquaintance or a long term friend, when we give the gift of that open space for listening to whatever the answer may be, we in turn give ourselves the gift of learning more than we ever could have if we had allowed our own expectations and forecasts to cloud the process.
If you try consciously injecting this method into your discussions, you are likely to find more engaged clients, more interested social contacts, and much newer, fresher, and richer information than would have been possible before. So begin learning and mastering this technique today, and watch your rapport and connection deepen and expand in a satisfying and transformative way.
Contact Heidi at Reinvention Life Coaching for one to one coaching to expand upon this and other communication skills or for a customized presentation for your group, board, or organization.
Change Your Lens to Change Your Life
The lens through which you see the world and through which you view your experiences is a crucial variable in what you achieve in your life. If you look at your surroundings through a blue lens, you will see absolutely everything as blue, but if you switch to a yellow lens, suddenly everything is yellow. What lens might you be viewing your world through? How is the lens that you are choosing coloring your life?
In what aspects of your life is your lens tinting your experience with a touch of victim mentality which may include hopelessness or guilt? Where in your life are the anger, conflict, and resentment lenses causing you to blame other people or situations for what blocks you from your goals?
The great news is that you can change your experience by consciously selecting a different lens. What type of lens would ignite positive change at work and at home? What would it be like to view the world through the lens of complete responsibility for your reactions without taking things personally? How might a lens in which you see collaborative opportunity in everything around you change your experiences? What about a lens in which you see ways to give genuinely to others wherever you look or you view acceptance and nonjudgment everywhere? How about seeing the world through a lens of inner wisdom and intuition? Imagine switching back and forth between those lenses throughout the day to really experience being “in your natural flow” professionally and personally; when you’re just effortlessly connecting, creating, and expressing your talents and gifts.
Instead of your reactions overtaking you, what would it be like for you to shift your energy and consciously select the reaction that would suit each particular situation and relationship best? The powerful choice of lenses is yours.
The first step towards selecting the lens that will feel best for you is to become aware of the lens that you are currently utilizing in each situation. So, you will need to pause and observe yourself with honest self-reflection. One of the crucial keys to this process is learning how to take that powerful pause versus automatically reacting through your predominant lens. Some ways to create and utilize this pause are: Take a deep breath, commit to doing nothing at all for a moment, and ask yourself if your reaction is typical for you and what could be a different response. This process might require restricting the most reactive parts of you.
Now that you have enabled the possibility of choice, you will need to familiarize yourself with what it feels like to use various other lenses. Draw upon past experience, experimentation, and a vision of a more centered you for this process. As you experiment with each lens, evaluate the results in terms of your feelings, your stress level, your level of engagement, and the degree in which you accomplish your goal.
If you really want to ignite sustainable positive change in your life for this New Year, choose your glasses purposefully and keep them on consciously, even when the glare of another bright color threatens to overtake your field of vision. Toss your victim and anger glasses aside for now and pick up a new pair of lenses that support a more empowered and successful perspective. Then take meaningful steps to create the new year and the life that is truly what you desire.
*Concepts are based upon Bruce D. Schneider’s “Energy Leadership Index” from iPEC (Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching)
*Interested in a more individualized opportunity to benefit from these transformative concepts in your personal or professional life? Contact Heidi Krantz at www.reinventionlifecoaching.com to schedule a unique Energy Leadership Index Assessment and Debrief designed for you, your organization, or your team, and experience the powerful results of changing your lens.
At Peace with Ambivalence
We human beings tend to have difficulty with feeling ambivalence. We prefer to believe that we have things all figured out or that we have formulated our opinion and are comfortable with it. When we can’t categorize how we feel about a situation or a person in a clear way, we feel unsettled, confused, and even anxious.
During all phases of the divorce or breakup process, we often grapple with that uncomfortable ambivalence. We would feel much more settled if we could just identify with one type of sentiment all the time, for example, “I am so well rid of my partner and much better off without him/her,” rather than having a range of feelings and beliefs, some of them even contradictory.
Here’s what we need to know for ourselves and how we can help clients and friends grappling with ambivalence:
- It is perfectly normal and part of the human condition to feel ambivalence.
- Give yourself complete permission to feel ambivalence without any negative self-talk about it.
- Even if you have worked really hard to reach a certain realization or way of looking at a situation, it’s OK if at certain times, the opposite feeling creeps its way into your mind. For example, you thought you were celebrating being rid of your partner, but something triggered you momentarily and you got a stab of sadness or regret.
- When the opposite feeling surfaces, that doesn’t mean all of your inner work was ineffective, it’s all a perfectly usual part of the process. For example, if you are finally feeling like you are moving on past wanting to reconcile, just because some doubt or fear creeps in, that doesn’t nullify all the strength that you developed nor your desire to create a new and satisfying life for yourself.
- Even if that opposite feeling that you were hoping never to experience again begins to surface and causes an extreme emotional reaction, it can actually be beneficial to go back and mourn and grieve for a while. You can then move on feeling even stronger than before.
- Be compassionate with yourself about your feelings of ambivalence, you are still making steady progress, even if it is developing slowly, towards feeling stronger, happier, and more independent
We human beings are extremely complex, let’s accept and celebrate the beauty and the depth in that, welcoming all reactions and emotions without judgement, and persevering along our climb to success in all aspects of our lives.
*Some concepts are based upon “The Internal Family Systems Model”
*Contact Heidi Krantz, Professional Life Coach, for an individualized plan to work through your ambivalence and create the life that you desire at coachheidik@gmail.com.