Heidi Krantz - Professional Life Coach and Speaker

Reinvention Life Coaching

Divorce

At Peace with Ambivalence

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We human beings tend to have difficulty with feeling ambivalence. We prefer to believe that we have things all figured out or that we have formulated our opinion and are comfortable with it. When we can’t categorize how we feel about a situation or a person in a clear way, we feel unsettled, confused, and even anxious.

During all phases of the divorce or breakup process, we often grapple with that uncomfortable ambivalence. We would feel much more settled if we could just identify with one type of sentiment all the time, for example, “I am so well rid of my partner and much better off without him/her,” rather than having a range of feelings and beliefs, some of them even contradictory.

Here’s what we need to know for ourselves and how we can help clients and friends grappling with ambivalence:

  • It is perfectly normal and part of the human condition to feel ambivalence.
  • Give yourself complete permission to feel ambivalence without any negative self-talk about it.
  • Even if you have worked really hard to reach a certain realization or way of looking at a situation, it’s OK if at certain times, the opposite feeling creeps its way into your mind. For example, you thought you were celebrating being rid of your partner, but something triggered you momentarily and you got a stab of sadness or regret.
  • When the opposite feeling surfaces, that doesn’t mean all of your inner work was ineffective, it’s all a perfectly usual part of the process. For example, if you are finally feeling like you are moving on past wanting to reconcile, just because some doubt or fear creeps in, that doesn’t nullify all the strength that you developed nor your desire to create a new and satisfying life for yourself.
  • Even if that opposite feeling that you were hoping never to experience again begins to surface and causes an extreme emotional reaction, it can actually be beneficial to go back and mourn and grieve for a while. You can then move on feeling even stronger than before.
  • Be compassionate with yourself about your feelings of ambivalence, you are still making steady progress, even if it is developing slowly, towards feeling stronger, happier, and more independent

We human beings are extremely complex, let’s accept and celebrate the beauty and the depth in that, welcoming all reactions and emotions without judgement, and persevering along our climb to success in all aspects of our lives.

*Some concepts are based upon “The Internal Family Systems Model” 

*Contact Heidi Krantz, Professional Life Coach, for an individualized plan to work through your ambivalence and create the life that you desire at coachheidik@gmail.com.

You’re as Beautiful as You Feel

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I’m still exhilarated from experiencing “Beautiful,” the Carole King Musical on Broadway yesterday. The incredible score that magically touched my soul is not the only aspect of the performance which is causing me to feel this way. A powerful factor in my excitement is that her story completely brings to life the exact concept that I encourage my coaching clients with every day.

This show brings us Carole’s answer to the empowering question that I often pose to my clients: “What did you feel held back from in your previous relationship that you can now accomplish?”

The amazing musical genius, Carole King, lacked the confidence to write the lyrics and perform the incredible music she composed during the younger part of her life. She depended upon her husband’s talent for lyrics, was blinded by her love and admiration for him, and didn’t expand her self-confidence.

When Carole went through the painful, disappointing, and frightening demise of her marriage, she was vulnerable and weak, wondering how she could possibly endure personally or professionally. Somehow, she intuitively found her inner wisdom and her courage which led her to compose, write the lyrics, and sing for her platinum Grammy winning album, Tapestry, and to make her mark on the world forever as an iconic female rock star.

What did YOU lack the confidence to accomplish during your previous relationship? If you can identify that significant answer, challenge the beliefs that continue to hold you back, and break out of your comfort zone, you too can reach the stars that you were meant to reach. Your voice can be heard whether you sing or not, your talents can be recognized, and your gifts can be appreciated by all those who you share them with. Use the enormous power you possess to make it happen. Then, much like Carole King, you will create a new life that is truly “Beautiful.” How would that feel?

We Can Learn to Love Again

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When are we ready to date again after a divorce or breakup? I’ve heard this question asked in earnest hundreds of times from clients and workshop participants. I wish I could tell you that there’s a traffic light that turns green and gives you a clear signal – go! The decision to get out there again is complex and highly individual.  In my experience as a divorce and dating coach, we don’t first heal completely, declare that we are totally ready, and then start dating. Why? Because we can’t fully heal alone.

We absolutely do need to take significant time to be alone in order to nurture ourselves, to focus on our goals, and to work on our personal development. That amount of time varies from person to person. But even if we take ten years to focus on ourselves, healing is a process that needs to continue out there in the world, within the context of relationships. We may think that we are completely healed, but when our buttons get pushed by potential partners in the dating world, we will feel our wounds again.

Here’s the good news, when we feel our wounds again, we get the opportunity to work on healing, growing, and transforming. It takes time, strength, perseverance, and eventually a partner that helps to create a feeling of safety. But the progress we can make in our healing process while we are “out there,” is exponential. Often it takes support from loved ones and professionals to help us work through our challenges and achieve the growth, but we can get there. Healing is an ongoing process and an evolution.

So please, without question, take a significant amount of time to be alone and focus on you. But don’t get stuck alone in a cave or up on a mountain, attempting endlessly to heal yourself and waiting to feel ready. Gather your courage and discover a whole new layer of healing waiting out there for you in the world of dating, it has the potential to bring you rewarding new love, better than ever before. Yes, “We CAN learn to Love Again.”

*Some of the above concepts originate in the wisdom of Kabbalah: http://kabbalah.com/

Divorce and Gratitude

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How do I dare put those two words in the same title? I dare because they belong together. How so? Divorce can often bring with it enormous pain, difficulty, fear, uncertainty, anger, and sadness. No matter how difficult your process is, or has been, I challenge you to discover exactly what you are grateful for. I’ll take this a step further, what is it that you feel grateful for that directly relates to your difficult divorce?

Are you grateful that you discovered a strength and resiliency that you never knew you had before? Is it your independent spirit that has surfaced which you appreciate? Maybe you are thankful that a pressing tension has been lifted, whether you chose to leave the marriage or not. Perhaps you are grateful that whatever held you back from accomplishing your goals in your past relationship has been removed and you are free now to make them happen. Has your divorce opened you up and made you more comfortable asking those close to you for emotional support? Are you beginning new friendships? Can you now relate to your children in a more open and relaxed manner than previously?

There are countless more divorce related reasons to feel gratitude during Thanksgiving and always. It’s up to you to find them. The negatives may jump out first, so dig past them and choose gratitude.  I learned to do it, and I know you can too.

Divorce and “Hurricane Sandy”

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As I sat on the couch reading while the storm progressed, I was taken back to another turbulent and uncertain time in my life which felt somehow similar; my divorce. As I encouraged myself to remain calm in the face of the storm, the fierce sound of the wind and the rain rattling my home, shook my confidence as well. The analogy became crystal clear, because it elicited the same vaguely panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach.

In preparation for “Sandy,” much like my divorce, I had done what I could do to be ready. I had procured my flashlights, candles, and nonperishable foods. I had filled up large pots and my bathtub with water. I had cancelled all appointments to stay safe indoors.  But still, the anxiety and uncertainty crept into my being when I felt my vulnerability inside of the old, original French doors of my home.

I had done what I could to prepare for my divorce as well. I had followed my attorney’s instructions down to the last paperwork detail. I had consulted with a financial professional. I had disposed of photos and items that would potentially disturb my “moving on” process. But still, the anxiety and uncertainty crept into my being when I felt my vulnerability in an unknown life, different than I had ever expected or anticipated.

So, if you’re out there weathering the storm or coping with divorce, know that you’re not alone and that your feelings are perfectly normal and understandable. Even as you feel the anxiety, try to see the opportunity in the face of challenge. For me, during the storm, I took the opportunity to connect with loved ones, check on them, and let them know that I care. I prepared a hot breakfast for my family and ate it leisurely. I got to catch up on all the episodes of Homeland, finally bringing me up to date!

Similarly, but much more profoundly, through the challenge of my divorce, I deepened my relationship with my children, launched a brand new career which I love as a Professional Life Coach, and developed a new intimate relationship which ultimately led me to marry my true soulmate and love of my life.

In both situations, I seized the opportunity to connect spiritually, and to pray with improved consciousness.

I’m sure that I won’t be as chipper if we lose power, but I will try to tap into my inner reserves of strength and search carefully for the opportunity within the challenge. I hope you will too.

Addendum: We did lose power, and it did take my “chipperness” down a notch (or two), but opportunity seized as promised: Great neighborhood sushi place was open with huge TVs – totally awesome! Got home to find power restored and reached out to those in need to come on over – better than awesome; priceless!

How To Make a Love Sandwich

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When we want to let someone know about an issue that is really important to us, or about a strong preference that we have, how do we bring it across? Our manner can make the crucial difference in the way that we are heard, and it can determine if that someone will get on board with our concern, or not.

Hence, the “Love Sandwich” recipe:

1. Begin with a positive statement which recognizes at least one of the person’s strengths and expresses appreciation for it (ie the first piece of bread)

2. Next, the meat of the sandwich – briefly describe the situation that requires change or improvement, in other words, the constructive criticism.

3. Finally, another positive statement to close the sandwich.

The following sample sandwich may clarify the recipe for you: You recently began dating a man and things are going really well, except, he doesn’t call you as much as you would like and you crave more telephone contact between dates.

One choice of how to approach him might be, “You know, you never call me and I’m so sick of it. What is wrong with you? Don’t you believe in picking up the phone?” Now, he is probably feeling backed against the wall, and the last thing he ever wants to do again is call you, right?

So, it’s time for, you guessed it, “The Love Sandwich.” It could go something like, “You know, I love talking to you on the phone. You really make me laugh and you always help me put things into perspective. (Now for the meat), I would love to talk on the phone with you even more often. (Time to close the sandwich), When I talk to you right before I go to sleep, I always have the best night. Now how do you think he’s feeling? Probably valued and appreciated and quite likely motivated to call you much more often, perhaps even nightly.

So, when you are fed up or frustrated and you’re either going to stuff it down and suppress your feelings, or explode in an overly critical way…take a deep breath, count to ten, and make a “Love Sandwich.” Repeat this recipe; he’ll never tire of it, even when you are married for years. Please let me know how it goes.

New Year: Plan for Love

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I’m always amazed by how we meticulously formulate carefully thought-out plans for every aspect of our lives; including our careers, our education, our parenting, even our vacations. But when it comes to our love lives, certainly an enormously important aspect of our existence, we sort of get carried along randomly with the current of the ocean, with no plan at all. We get pushed toward physical attraction, pushed toward availability, pushed toward whoever happens to be pursuing us, or pushed toward any number of other potential loves that involve no forethought. Then, after a while, we come up for air and wonder how we ever landed in this bad relationship. Well, here’s a compelling answer: We didn’t start out with a well thought-out plan, and that’s exactly what we need to do. Here’s how to begin…

For the New Year, construct a list of approximately five well thought-out traits that are your “must have” qualities in a partner. This inventory should not be a long laundry list with every possible detail included; just the traits which are “deal breakers” if they are not in place. This is your own personal list of what is truly important to you, not what “should be” important to you. Define each quality very specifically. Try to include enduring character traits that would still be in place 10 years from now. Write out your list, taking advantage of the power of the written word, and reread it often.

Beginning with the first few sentences of conversation with a potential partner, actively listen for evidence that possibly shows that this person possesses your “must have” traits. Of course, you will need to get to know him/her a lot better to determine for sure; what you are looking to detect now, is the POTENTIAL that the person has the key qualities that you selected. Keep checking back with your list regularly as your interactions progress.

For the sake of a simple and concrete example, if it happens to be really important to you that your potential partner be a family minded person, ask what he/she did last weekend or on his last vacation. Listen for who he/she was with. Was it a family member? Ask a few more similar questions and see if there’s a pattern of plans with close relatives or on the other hand, if a brother, sister, parent, son, daughter, or cousin is never mentioned. You will ascertain fairly quickly, if this individual potentially possesses your “must have” trait of family mindedness. This method will probably be more effective then asking outright, “are you family minded?” Often the response to that type of question will be a guess of what he/she thinks you would like to hear.

Here’s the kicker: Make a commitment to yourself to be flexible about all other traits that are not on your list. You will definitely find qualities that you are not thrilled about, but you can learn to accept the person as a total package, the same way that you would want to be accepted with all of your wonderful strengths and weaknesses.

Now embrace the New Year, and get out there and use your well thought-out plan to find new love. Instead of wondering later on how you landed in a bad relationship, you will hopefully know exactly how you found the right one: By following your very own blueprint.

Courage? The Second Time Around

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The courage of my clients and workshop participants inspires me so profoundly, that each day, I renew and strengthen my belief that we can do whatever we set our minds to. Individuals whose marriages have ended after 20, 30, and even 40 years turn to coaching because they know that with the extra push and support, they can search for love, intimacy, and companionship again. Whether it was their choice or not to leave the marriage, they are often feeling as though they have been beaten up emotionally; they have suffered feelings of rejection, anger, confusion, fear, and despair. Through it all, as they work tenaciously to heal, they venture bravely out of their comfort zones and into the unknown world of internet dating.

During and post-divorce, gutsy women put on their high heels, even if they can hardly walk in them, get their hair done to perfection, dress in their most flattering outfits, and smile for the camera. To complete their project, they overcome their anxiety and nervousness at any age and face what is most difficult for many of us: Articulating our strengths. There is no way around that when we write a narrative for an internet dating site. It is the advertisement of who we are. The process of expressing what it is that sets us apart from all others is in itself transformative, before we even post it on our profiles.

Being terrified of rejection does not stand in their way; it is a human condition that they work to get past. They know that they will have to develop a tough skin for the lumps and bumps of the dating world.  They don’t yet know exactly how absolutely fabulous they are, they are just embarking on a journey to find out. Their courage, spunk, determination, resilience and spectacular qualities are already crystal clear to me. With butterflies in their stomachs, and a little wobble on their heels, they move forward cautiously, with hope and courage in their beautiful hearts.