Heidi Krantz - Professional Life Coach and Speaker

Reinvention Life Coaching

Relationships

A Gift For You

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One of the most daunting aspects of dating, for so many of my clients, is that fear of rejection. Makes sense, right? Isn’t that apprehension completely understandable? Does anyone out there like rejection? We human beings seek to avoid it like the plague. So, how do we put ourselves out there in the dating word, and particularly in the internet dating world, where the possibility of rejection lurks forebodingly at every turn?

Here’s a new perspective that many of my clients and workshop participants find highly effective: We acknowledge each hint of rejection early on as a special gift, wrapped up beautifully and neatly with a big magnificent bow on the top, and we picture the “rejecter” (for lack of a better word), handing us a special present.

You see, when he/she gives us the clear idea, early on, that there is not sufficient interest to pursue any sort of relationship, we are being saved from all the effort it takes to actually go out on the date, with our hopes up, and then feel shot down. Yay! We learned early on that we are not a good fit for each other and we are saved from investing emotional energy, time, and effort into a lengthier, losing proposition.

So, don’t ignore the early signs; see them for exactly what they are. For example, on an internet dating site, if he/she cannot move efficiently from the email to the phone to the date, what an amazing gift you just received all wrapped up with a bow! If you’re a woman, you didn’t have to put on heals and mascara to find out that he is not really seeking an actual relationship. If you’re a man, you didn’t have to clean up nice and spend money to have your time wasted. The same is true when the promised phone call doesn’t occur, or the cancelation does occur. Close your eyes and say a little prayer of gratitude that you are walking away with a gift and you are quickly free to pursue something real with someone else.

Now, watch how viewing early signs of rejection as special gifts can empower you to be more courageous and open in your search for the love that you desire. Enjoy all of the exciting and meaningful possibilities that you will likely generate…

We Can Learn to Love Again

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When are we ready to date again after a divorce or breakup? I’ve heard this question asked in earnest hundreds of times from clients and workshop participants. I wish I could tell you that there’s a traffic light that turns green and gives you a clear signal – go! The decision to get out there again is complex and highly individual.  In my experience as a divorce and dating coach, we don’t first heal completely, declare that we are totally ready, and then start dating. Why? Because we can’t fully heal alone.

We absolutely do need to take significant time to be alone in order to nurture ourselves, to focus on our goals, and to work on our personal development. That amount of time varies from person to person. But even if we take ten years to focus on ourselves, healing is a process that needs to continue out there in the world, within the context of relationships. We may think that we are completely healed, but when our buttons get pushed by potential partners in the dating world, we will feel our wounds again.

Here’s the good news, when we feel our wounds again, we get the opportunity to work on healing, growing, and transforming. It takes time, strength, perseverance, and eventually a partner that helps to create a feeling of safety. But the progress we can make in our healing process while we are “out there,” is exponential. Often it takes support from loved ones and professionals to help us work through our challenges and achieve the growth, but we can get there. Healing is an ongoing process and an evolution.

So please, without question, take a significant amount of time to be alone and focus on you. But don’t get stuck alone in a cave or up on a mountain, attempting endlessly to heal yourself and waiting to feel ready. Gather your courage and discover a whole new layer of healing waiting out there for you in the world of dating, it has the potential to bring you rewarding new love, better than ever before. Yes, “We CAN learn to Love Again.”

*Some of the above concepts originate in the wisdom of Kabbalah: http://kabbalah.com/

Divorce and Gratitude

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How do I dare put those two words in the same title? I dare because they belong together. How so? Divorce can often bring with it enormous pain, difficulty, fear, uncertainty, anger, and sadness. No matter how difficult your process is, or has been, I challenge you to discover exactly what you are grateful for. I’ll take this a step further, what is it that you feel grateful for that directly relates to your difficult divorce?

Are you grateful that you discovered a strength and resiliency that you never knew you had before? Is it your independent spirit that has surfaced which you appreciate? Maybe you are thankful that a pressing tension has been lifted, whether you chose to leave the marriage or not. Perhaps you are grateful that whatever held you back from accomplishing your goals in your past relationship has been removed and you are free now to make them happen. Has your divorce opened you up and made you more comfortable asking those close to you for emotional support? Are you beginning new friendships? Can you now relate to your children in a more open and relaxed manner than previously?

There are countless more divorce related reasons to feel gratitude during Thanksgiving and always. It’s up to you to find them. The negatives may jump out first, so dig past them and choose gratitude.  I learned to do it, and I know you can too.

Dating Lessons from Costa Rica

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It hit me as I watched the freshly hatched Black Turtles find their way down the beach to the ocean. These creatures are unambivalent about following their instincts. When the naturalist set them free, just hours old, they did exactly what they needed to do to continue their lives the way they were meant to.

As I stood there in awe, I asked the expert, “How do they know where the ocean is?” He smiled, put his hand up to his ear and answered simply, “They listen for the water.” His words stuck with me.

I thought of all the times that I emphatically point out to clients and workshop participants that their new potential partner is telling them everything they need to know about him/herself, very early on. All they need to do is to want to hear it and to listen carefully. The next step is to get in touch with their inner wisdom and follow its guidance in order to make the right choice about proceeding or retreating from the possible relationship. This process can actually be accomplished in a very matter-of-fact way, just like the method of the Black Turtles of Costa Rica.

These turtles did not hesitate. They heard the water immediately and followed the sound to the ocean. Not one of the fifty babies ever looked back or tried to go in the opposite direction.

So, poke your head out of your protective shell, open your ears immediately and listen to what your potential partner is telling you about him/herself, NOT what you would like them to be telling you. Then, follow your inner wisdom exactly where it is guiding you. If the turtles of Costa Rica can do it, so can you. Love is waiting…

Divorce and “Hurricane Sandy”

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As I sat on the couch reading while the storm progressed, I was taken back to another turbulent and uncertain time in my life which felt somehow similar; my divorce. As I encouraged myself to remain calm in the face of the storm, the fierce sound of the wind and the rain rattling my home, shook my confidence as well. The analogy became crystal clear, because it elicited the same vaguely panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach.

In preparation for “Sandy,” much like my divorce, I had done what I could do to be ready. I had procured my flashlights, candles, and nonperishable foods. I had filled up large pots and my bathtub with water. I had cancelled all appointments to stay safe indoors.  But still, the anxiety and uncertainty crept into my being when I felt my vulnerability inside of the old, original French doors of my home.

I had done what I could to prepare for my divorce as well. I had followed my attorney’s instructions down to the last paperwork detail. I had consulted with a financial professional. I had disposed of photos and items that would potentially disturb my “moving on” process. But still, the anxiety and uncertainty crept into my being when I felt my vulnerability in an unknown life, different than I had ever expected or anticipated.

So, if you’re out there weathering the storm or coping with divorce, know that you’re not alone and that your feelings are perfectly normal and understandable. Even as you feel the anxiety, try to see the opportunity in the face of challenge. For me, during the storm, I took the opportunity to connect with loved ones, check on them, and let them know that I care. I prepared a hot breakfast for my family and ate it leisurely. I got to catch up on all the episodes of Homeland, finally bringing me up to date!

Similarly, but much more profoundly, through the challenge of my divorce, I deepened my relationship with my children, launched a brand new career which I love as a Professional Life Coach, and developed a new intimate relationship which ultimately led me to marry my true soulmate and love of my life.

In both situations, I seized the opportunity to connect spiritually, and to pray with improved consciousness.

I’m sure that I won’t be as chipper if we lose power, but I will try to tap into my inner reserves of strength and search carefully for the opportunity within the challenge. I hope you will too.

Addendum: We did lose power, and it did take my “chipperness” down a notch (or two), but opportunity seized as promised: Great neighborhood sushi place was open with huge TVs – totally awesome! Got home to find power restored and reached out to those in need to come on over – better than awesome; priceless!

How to Get Infected With the “E” Factor for Dating

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During my workshops and seminars, as well as with my individual clients, we talk a lot about projecting confidence and positivity in order to enhance dating success. These qualities are enormously important in drawing potential partners to us. But there’s another crucial ingredient in attracting dates and holding their interest through that first awkward phone call in order to move forward to the first meeting and beyond. That is the “E” Factor – Enthusiasm!

I leave you with these words in order to improve your statistics in moving from the phone call to the date and beyond: Muster up some enthusiasm! If you are not naturally enthusiastic, find whatever topic brings it out in you. For example, if you love to travel, talk animatedly about your favorite trip that you ever took. But more importantly, ask enthusiastic questions about your date’s travel experience, and respond even more enthusiastically. Don’t make it fake; just gear the conversation to the topic that authentically infects you with the “E” Factor.

To know if you’ve been infected, listen to the quality and volume of your voice. Is it even and monotone? Then it hasn’t yet happened for you. Your voice should be fluctuating and at times, becoming a bit louder, with more expression and excitement. Your smile should be evident regularly and your laughter bubbling up easily and naturally. If all that is happening, keep it going. You are likely to infect even the most boring of dates with your contagious enthusiasm. This will leave him/her wanting more and moving along to the date and beyond. It’s an irresistible factor and you can easily project it – today!

How To Make a Love Sandwich

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When we want to let someone know about an issue that is really important to us, or about a strong preference that we have, how do we bring it across? Our manner can make the crucial difference in the way that we are heard, and it can determine if that someone will get on board with our concern, or not.

Hence, the “Love Sandwich” recipe:

1. Begin with a positive statement which recognizes at least one of the person’s strengths and expresses appreciation for it (ie the first piece of bread)

2. Next, the meat of the sandwich – briefly describe the situation that requires change or improvement, in other words, the constructive criticism.

3. Finally, another positive statement to close the sandwich.

The following sample sandwich may clarify the recipe for you: You recently began dating a man and things are going really well, except, he doesn’t call you as much as you would like and you crave more telephone contact between dates.

One choice of how to approach him might be, “You know, you never call me and I’m so sick of it. What is wrong with you? Don’t you believe in picking up the phone?” Now, he is probably feeling backed against the wall, and the last thing he ever wants to do again is call you, right?

So, it’s time for, you guessed it, “The Love Sandwich.” It could go something like, “You know, I love talking to you on the phone. You really make me laugh and you always help me put things into perspective. (Now for the meat), I would love to talk on the phone with you even more often. (Time to close the sandwich), When I talk to you right before I go to sleep, I always have the best night. Now how do you think he’s feeling? Probably valued and appreciated and quite likely motivated to call you much more often, perhaps even nightly.

So, when you are fed up or frustrated and you’re either going to stuff it down and suppress your feelings, or explode in an overly critical way…take a deep breath, count to ten, and make a “Love Sandwich.” Repeat this recipe; he’ll never tire of it, even when you are married for years. Please let me know how it goes.

That Fine Line: Interested Versus Desperate

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It hit me on the first day of a recent vacation in Riviera Maya, Mexico with my husband (Steve). We found ourselves signing up for an expensive snorkeling excursion as well as a horseback riding trip before we had even hit the beach. Why? We were planning to relax and consider discussing some activity possibilities later on in the trip. What was it that won us over so quickly and definitely? Simple, it was the Tour Representative’s skilled vibe – he had mastered that fine line between “interested and desperate.” Therein lies the dating lesson for all to experience.

As Steve and I rushed through the airport upon arrival, we were approached by several vulture- like tour company representatives who stopped us in our tracks with desperation in their eyes and brightly colored brochures. They were already enthusiastically pitching their raps before they even stood before us. They offered amazing deals and the adventures of a lifetime. What did we want to do? You guessed it, get as far away as possible. With polite no thank yous that deteriorated into emphatic no responses, we hurried past them as quickly as we possibly could.

Flash. Arrival at our hotel. We connect with Gregorio to confirm our reservation for our end of trip transfer to the airport. We are greeted with a warm smile, a confident but casual affirmative response, and the following line, “I’m sure you two want to hit the beach and relax. Whenever you feel like it, I’ll be here in the lobby with lots of fun tours that you may want to hear about later on in your vacation. Have a great time!” Somehow, he had left us interested and wanting more.

Here’s what Gregorio has mastered along with its implication for successfully attracting potential dates:

1. Openly communicate availability, warmth, and interest

2. Know your worth and convey confidence

3. Do not rush others into interaction, encourage it – but don’t push it

4. Exhibit no trace of desperation in your expression or voice

5. Expect positive results from your attempts at interaction

The happy ending? Two amazing and adventurous excursions and a glowing trip advisor review. We can’t wait to return and book more trips with Gregorio, and we’re talking it up to all our friends!

Now get out there, master the vibe, and exponentially improve your dating success! If not, there’s always that amazing snorkeling…

New Year: Plan for Love

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I’m always amazed by how we meticulously formulate carefully thought-out plans for every aspect of our lives; including our careers, our education, our parenting, even our vacations. But when it comes to our love lives, certainly an enormously important aspect of our existence, we sort of get carried along randomly with the current of the ocean, with no plan at all. We get pushed toward physical attraction, pushed toward availability, pushed toward whoever happens to be pursuing us, or pushed toward any number of other potential loves that involve no forethought. Then, after a while, we come up for air and wonder how we ever landed in this bad relationship. Well, here’s a compelling answer: We didn’t start out with a well thought-out plan, and that’s exactly what we need to do. Here’s how to begin…

For the New Year, construct a list of approximately five well thought-out traits that are your “must have” qualities in a partner. This inventory should not be a long laundry list with every possible detail included; just the traits which are “deal breakers” if they are not in place. This is your own personal list of what is truly important to you, not what “should be” important to you. Define each quality very specifically. Try to include enduring character traits that would still be in place 10 years from now. Write out your list, taking advantage of the power of the written word, and reread it often.

Beginning with the first few sentences of conversation with a potential partner, actively listen for evidence that possibly shows that this person possesses your “must have” traits. Of course, you will need to get to know him/her a lot better to determine for sure; what you are looking to detect now, is the POTENTIAL that the person has the key qualities that you selected. Keep checking back with your list regularly as your interactions progress.

For the sake of a simple and concrete example, if it happens to be really important to you that your potential partner be a family minded person, ask what he/she did last weekend or on his last vacation. Listen for who he/she was with. Was it a family member? Ask a few more similar questions and see if there’s a pattern of plans with close relatives or on the other hand, if a brother, sister, parent, son, daughter, or cousin is never mentioned. You will ascertain fairly quickly, if this individual potentially possesses your “must have” trait of family mindedness. This method will probably be more effective then asking outright, “are you family minded?” Often the response to that type of question will be a guess of what he/she thinks you would like to hear.

Here’s the kicker: Make a commitment to yourself to be flexible about all other traits that are not on your list. You will definitely find qualities that you are not thrilled about, but you can learn to accept the person as a total package, the same way that you would want to be accepted with all of your wonderful strengths and weaknesses.

Now embrace the New Year, and get out there and use your well thought-out plan to find new love. Instead of wondering later on how you landed in a bad relationship, you will hopefully know exactly how you found the right one: By following your very own blueprint.