Are you in love with being in love? Well, to some extent, we all are. Being in love is one of the greatest joys of life. Let’s look a little deeper into this question; are you in love with the idea of being in love or do you want to be truly in love with a particular individual who will be your future partner? This is a shift that I work on with many of my coaching clients and workshop participants.
One of the questions that I frequently ask clients is, “What are the traits and values that are most important to you in a potential partner?” We call these your “Must-Have Traits.” Some answers that I often here are variations of: I want someone who will dance with me in the moonlight, who will walk with me on the beach, or who will cuddle with me on the couch. Now, of course, those are all great experiences and again, many of us desire that in our lives. But we want to get to the root of the love and ask ourselves, “Why do I want to dance in the moonlight with this person?” “What are his/her unique qualities and values that cause me to want to express that kind of affection?” Furthermore, “Why does he/she want to dance, walk, and cuddle with me?” “What are my unique characteristics that cause him/her to want to express that kind of affection?”
If we are not clearly in touch with the answers to those questions, then the romance is very likely to fizzle. If what is bonding us together is our love of being in love, then what we want most does not have the foundation to make it last. So, let’s formulate a well thought out vision, and let’s look for a particular person with the values, traits, and qualities that are most important to us. Then, let’s fall in love with a real person who possesses those characteristics, not with an abstract idea. As we slowly cultivate deep love with this person, then the dances and the walks and the cuddling can be authentic and lasting, way beyond the shallow fluff of romance in the media which leads us to be limited by our love of being in love.
I’m always amazed by how we meticulously formulate carefully thought-out plans for every aspect of our lives, including our careers, our education, our parenting, and even our vacations. But when it comes to our love lives, an enormously important aspect of our happiness, we approach our search randomly, with no plan at all. As though we are being carried haphazardly by the current of the ocean, we get pulled toward physical attraction, pulled toward availability, pulled toward whoever happens to be pursuing us, or pulled toward any number of other possibilities that involve no forethought. Then, after a while, we come up for air and wonder how we ever landed in this unsatisfying relationship. Well, here’s a compelling answer: We didn’t start out with a well thought-out plan, and that’s exactly what we need to do. Here’s how to begin…
Construct a list of approximately five well thought-out traits that are your “must have” qualities in a partner. This inventory should not be a long laundry list with every possible detail included; just the traits which are “deal breakers” if they are not in place. This is your own personal list of what is truly important to you, not what “should be” important to you. Define each quality very specifically. Try to include enduring character traits that would still be in place 5 or 10 years from now. Write out your list, taking advantage of the power of the written word, and reread it often.
Beginning with the first few sentences of conversation with a potential partner, actively listen for evidence that possibly shows that this person possesses your “must have” traits. Of course, you will need to get to know him/her a lot better to determine for sure; what you are looking to detect now, is the POTENTIAL that the person has the key qualities that you selected. Keep checking back with your list regularly as your interactions progress.
Here’s the kicker: Make a commitment to yourself to be flexible about all other traits that are not on your list. You will definitely find qualities that you are not thrilled about, but you can learn to accept the person as a total package, the same way that you would want to be accepted with all of your wonderful strengths and weaknesses.
Now embrace your clarity, and get out there and use your well thought-out plan to find new love. Instead of wondering later on how you landed in the wrong relationship, you will know exactly how you found the right one: By following your very own blueprint.
For the complete “Plan for Love” Signature System, join Coach Heidi at the Allegria Hotel in Long Beach on July 20, 2015 at 7PM for a COMPLIMENTARY interactive Singles’ Workshop to jumpstart your dating success! Contact Reinvention Life Coaching with questions at firstname.lastname@example.org www.reinventionlifecoaching.com
We all think we know best about dating related issues, right? It’s Ok to admit that. We’re grown-ups, so we have lots of life experience and we definitely know the drill regarding potential partners. You can’t pull the wool over our eyes, now can you? We know what works and what doesn’t, right? Well, maybe. When is it time to challenge some of those limiting beliefs that we’ve been carrying for years, maybe even for a lifetime, and ask ourselves a powerful question: How possible is it that what I believe to be “MY” truth may not be “THE” actual truth?
So, what are some of your dating related limiting beliefs? There are no good men out there? (Out where? In the state, in the country, in the entire world?) All women are gold diggers? Men don’t want to commit? All women want to control you? The negative list goes on..
How well are those beliefs serving you? When is it time to challenge those limiting beliefs? If you are ready to begin the challenge, how did those beliefs develop? When did those beliefs begin? During childhood, teenagehood, on the rebound after a disappointing relationship? Who’s voice do you hear in those beliefs? Parents, peers, media? What about your voice?
When you begin to challenge those beliefs, you may be surprised about how your behavior changes toward potential partners. Many of my coaching clients find that they become more open to possibilities, more relaxed, more curious, more positive, in a nutshell: more appealing.
So, think about shedding those extra pounds of limiting beliefs that are bogging you down. You just may start noticing the potential in those around you that you may have been rejecting before exploring. They may in turn start noticing how incredibly special you are. If your belief system has not been bringing you the love that you seek, try challenging it with questions, if it doesn’t hold up, it’s not likely “THE” actual truth now, is it?
By Heidi Krantz, OTR, CPC
There’s a reason that we have “two ears and one mouth,” let’s use them in that ratio on our dates and during our initial interactions which may lead to dates. Nothing will endear you more to a prospective partner than making that person feel truly heard; it’s a powerful rapport builder and a gift. At the same time, you will gather an abundance of valuable information, very early on, about the person who you are conversing with. Of course, you will learn about him/her in a light, curious, and nonjudgmental way, while you are asking open ended questions and carefully listening. You will then leave your conversation with effective tools to help you decide wisely about further interaction.
As you are listening (twice the amount that you are speaking) you will aspire to be what I refer to as a “good quality hunter.” Yes, you put on your hunting gear and train your brain to quickly identify positives in the person you are speaking with. We don’t need any training or coaching to identify the negatives; those easily jump out at us human beings. The more we can focus on the positive qualities, in that person’s character, personality, spirit, or attitude, the better chance we have of truly connecting, embracing opportunities, and bringing the love into our lives that we desire.
These tips have worked successfully for many of my coaching clients and I’ll be sharing many more with you as an expert panelist at “The Great Love Debate NYC” on May 20th. You seriously don’t want to miss this event…
Use my discount code: HEIDI10 to save 25% on tickets
Register Here: https://nyclove.eventbrite.com
When we are waiting in line at the supermarket checkout counter and we see an adorable toddler in a stroller, what do we instinctively do? We smile at the little guy or gal, right? Why? Well, it just happens naturally. What usually occurs next? Our smile becomes an invitation for interaction, and the toddler is now smiling back, holding up his warn out teddy bear for us to admire, and showing off the box of animal crackers that he wangled from his parent. He is beaming right back at us, and we are having such an enjoyable interaction, that we almost forget to put our groceries up on the counter.
Don’t we wish it could be that easy to smile and interact with an adorable adult on the checkout line? Well, actually, it can be. Our smile is simply an invitation for interaction, nothing more. Why do we hesitate to use it? Some of my coaching clients and workshop participants seem to feel that smiling at someone they don’t know is too forward, it makes them uncomfortable, and so it is not in their repertoire whether they are in the supermarket or at a Singles’ Event.
Let’s learn to define a smile differently. A natural smile is not a commitment of any kind, nor is it a declaration of love. It can be offered with no further obligation attached. Yet, it has the enormous power to connect us to others wordlessly. So, let’s make a conscious effort to share our smiles more freely and easily. Just like with the toddler, an interesting and attractive adult will probably return the smile and find a way to further the interaction, showing you the magazine in his hand instead of the ratty teddy bear or the newest organic snack in her cart instead of the animal crackers. You may find yourself so absorbed, that you forget to put your groceries up on the check-out counter. Let me know how it goes…
One of the most daunting aspects of dating, for so many of my clients, is that fear of rejection. Makes sense, right? Isn’t that apprehension completely understandable? Does anyone out there like rejection? We human beings seek to avoid it like the plague. So, how do we put ourselves out there in the dating word, and particularly in the internet dating world, where the possibility of rejection lurks forebodingly at every turn?
Here’s a new perspective that many of my clients and workshop participants find highly effective: We acknowledge each hint of rejection early on as a special gift, wrapped up beautifully and neatly with a big magnificent bow on the top, and we picture the “rejecter” (for lack of a better word), handing us a special present.
You see, when he/she gives us the clear idea, early on, that there is not sufficient interest to pursue any sort of relationship, we are being saved from all the effort it takes to actually go out on the date, with our hopes up, and then feel shot down. Yay! We learned early on that we are not a good fit for each other and we are saved from investing emotional energy, time, and effort into a lengthier, losing proposition.
So, don’t ignore the early signs; see them for exactly what they are. For example, on an internet dating site, if he/she cannot move efficiently from the email to the phone to the date, what an amazing gift you just received all wrapped up with a bow! If you’re a woman, you didn’t have to put on heals and mascara to find out that he is not really seeking an actual relationship. If you’re a man, you didn’t have to clean up nice and spend money to have your time wasted. The same is true when the promised phone call doesn’t occur, or the cancelation does occur. Close your eyes and say a little prayer of gratitude that you are walking away with a gift and you are quickly free to pursue something real with someone else.
Now, watch how viewing early signs of rejection as special gifts can empower you to be more courageous and open in your search for the love that you desire. Enjoy all of the exciting and meaningful possibilities that you will likely generate…
When are we ready to date again after a divorce or breakup? I’ve heard this question asked in earnest hundreds of times from clients and workshop participants. I wish I could tell you that there’s a traffic light that turns green and gives you a clear signal – go! The decision to get out there again is complex and highly individual. In my experience as a divorce and dating coach, we don’t first heal completely, declare that we are totally ready, and then start dating. Why? Because we can’t fully heal alone.
We absolutely do need to take significant time to be alone in order to nurture ourselves, to focus on our goals, and to work on our personal development. That amount of time varies from person to person. But even if we take ten years to focus on ourselves, healing is a process that needs to continue out there in the world, within the context of relationships. We may think that we are completely healed, but when our buttons get pushed by potential partners in the dating world, we will feel our wounds again.
Here’s the good news, when we feel our wounds again, we get the opportunity to work on healing, growing, and transforming. It takes time, strength, perseverance, and eventually a partner that helps to create a feeling of safety. But the progress we can make in our healing process while we are “out there,” is exponential. Often it takes support from loved ones and professionals to help us work through our challenges and achieve the growth, but we can get there. Healing is an ongoing process and an evolution.
So please, without question, take a significant amount of time to be alone and focus on you. But don’t get stuck alone in a cave or up on a mountain, attempting endlessly to heal yourself and waiting to feel ready. Gather your courage and discover a whole new layer of healing waiting out there for you in the world of dating, it has the potential to bring you rewarding new love, better than ever before. Yes, “We CAN learn to Love Again.”
*Some of the above concepts originate in the wisdom of Kabbalah: http://kabbalah.com/
It hit me as I watched the freshly hatched Black Turtles find their way down the beach to the ocean. These creatures are unambivalent about following their instincts. When the naturalist set them free, just hours old, they did exactly what they needed to do to continue their lives the way they were meant to.
As I stood there in awe, I asked the expert, “How do they know where the ocean is?” He smiled, put his hand up to his ear and answered simply, “They listen for the water.” His words stuck with me.
I thought of all the times that I emphatically point out to clients and workshop participants that their new potential partner is telling them everything they need to know about him/herself, very early on. All they need to do is to want to hear it and to listen carefully. The next step is to get in touch with their inner wisdom and follow its guidance in order to make the right choice about proceeding or retreating from the possible relationship. This process can actually be accomplished in a very matter-of-fact way, just like the method of the Black Turtles of Costa Rica.
These turtles did not hesitate. They heard the water immediately and followed the sound to the ocean. Not one of the fifty babies ever looked back or tried to go in the opposite direction.
So, poke your head out of your protective shell, open your ears immediately and listen to what your potential partner is telling you about him/herself, NOT what you would like them to be telling you. Then, follow your inner wisdom exactly where it is guiding you. If the turtles of Costa Rica can do it, so can you. Love is waiting…
During my workshops and seminars, as well as with my individual clients, we talk a lot about projecting confidence and positivity in order to enhance dating success. These qualities are enormously important in drawing potential partners to us. But there’s another crucial ingredient in attracting dates and holding their interest through that first awkward phone call in order to move forward to the first meeting and beyond. That is the “E” Factor – Enthusiasm!
I leave you with these words in order to improve your statistics in moving from the phone call to the date and beyond: Muster up some enthusiasm! If you are not naturally enthusiastic, find whatever topic brings it out in you. For example, if you love to travel, talk animatedly about your favorite trip that you ever took. But more importantly, ask enthusiastic questions about your date’s travel experience, and respond even more enthusiastically. Don’t make it fake; just gear the conversation to the topic that authentically infects you with the “E” Factor.
To know if you’ve been infected, listen to the quality and volume of your voice. Is it even and monotone? Then it hasn’t yet happened for you. Your voice should be fluctuating and at times, becoming a bit louder, with more expression and excitement. Your smile should be evident regularly and your laughter bubbling up easily and naturally. If all that is happening, keep it going. You are likely to infect even the most boring of dates with your contagious enthusiasm. This will leave him/her wanting more and moving along to the date and beyond. It’s an irresistible factor and you can easily project it – today!